


yeah we gay keep scrolling

by subtleufos



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Baby Groot (Marvel), Bisexual Peter Parker, Bisexual Scott Lang, Bisexual Tony Stark, Bruce Banner is a softie, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Captain America Sam Wilson, Coming Out, Disaster Gays, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Bucky Barnes, Lesbian Michelle Jones, Lesbian Shuri (Marvel), Loki is a whore, Memes, Minor Eddie Brock/Venom Symbiote, Minor Gamora/Peter Quill, Multi, Natasha Romanov Can Weild Mjolnir, Oblivious Peter Parker, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Shuri Friendship, Peter Parker Can Wield Mjolnir, Social Media, This Is STUPID, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Trans Pepper Potts, Trans Steve Rogers, Twitter, but we knew that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:51:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 26,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtleufos/pseuds/subtleufos
Summary: the avengers have a grand ol time on twitter.com and pepper is left w the aftermath.oh, and steve isnt allowed to have twitter (in the beginning)





	1. henlo

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

did i ever tell yall ab the time i passed out drunk in an alleyway and the actual spiderman found me and brought me home? bc that was so funny

 

**amy** @calcgenius

WHAT RHE FUCK MAX. r u ok tho???????

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

yeah im fine lmao- i only regret telling him his arms were nice repeatedly. he started laughing mid way through tho so it was ok ig

 

**spidey** @spiderman

oh yeah i remember u!!! thank u for the compliment it was very funny. stay safe!!!

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

this is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me

 

**amy** @calcgenius

ok but how nice were his arms tho 👀

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

he could b like 12 amy don't be gross

 

**amy** @calcgenius

damn ur kinda right :/ ill just thirst over tony starks arms until further notice

 

-

 

**deigo** @aquaknife

max has a good point tho… how old is spiderman @STARK @spiderman

 

**spidey** @spiderman

listen,,, i cant tell u bc itll risk my identity but im over the age of 16 and under the age of 20

 

**Tony** **Stark** @STARK

What he’s saying here is that he’s baby.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

i deeply regret showing you memes

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

I already knew what memes were. You just ASSUMED that I didn't. I just like spending time with you so I didnt say anything.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

how are u going to roast me and make me cry in one tweet

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Easily.

 

**diego** @aquaknife

alright so im printing this thread and attaching it to all of my resumes now.

 

-

 

**Amanda** @iampunk

spiderman is making me question everything. So ur telling me. a boy 17-19. is an AVENGER. how and what the fuck.

 

**Todd** @MexicanFuneral

ikr? is he genuinely a spider or what because like… can i be an avenger too??????? 

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

You probably can’t

 

**Todd** @MexicanFuneral

yes ma’am.

 

**Amanda** @iampunk

did. did my gay awakening just reply to my shithead brother or am i dreaming

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

It's a pleasure to be here

 

**Amanda** @iampunk

miss widow i am on one knee

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Put the other one down and beg then

 

**Amanda** @iampunk

mark me down as scared AND horny

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

But isn’t that the best way to be?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Don’t you have a girlfriend? Stop leading them on you absolute savage.

 

**Todd** @MexicanFuneral

what the fuck is happening here on this day

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Way to out me.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Oh fuck

 

**Amanda** @iampunk

A$&!&AJFUAHRH @^!^$^!???????.?...

 

-

 

**Buzzfeed News** @BuzzfeedNews

Is The Black Widow Our New Queer Icon?

 

**Devon** @DEVONDUNE

Okay that’s hot an all but honestly kind of worrying. I keep hearing ab it on the news. If a kid hears this they'll think it's okay for superheros to be gay.

 

**nico** @scottstotts

oh eat shit Devon. every superhero is lgbt.

 

**dani** @ultralightsapphic

yeah eat shit devin. lesbians arent a fetish. we’re real people.

 

-

 

**jake** @bibibi9

w all of this ‘black widow is lgbt’ talk it has me thinking……… who else is a gay superhero

 

**Rosa** @axeweilding

i just assume all of them are until they come out and say otherwise because fuck the whole straight & cis it default.

 

**jake** @bibibi9

you’re absolutely right. my life just got so much better under the idea that thor is mlm

 

**gina** @linetti

nah. thor is wlw.

 

**jocelyn** @lovegrls

you absolute fool. thor is nb.

 

**gina** @linetti

you are the only bitch in this house that ive ever respected.

 

**Rosa** @axeweilding

so……… pepper potts just liked my tweet

 

**jake** @bibibi9

OGH MY GODS???@?$@’

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman

WHAT KINDA SCOOBY DOO BULLSHIT WAS THAT

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

Is this referring to what just happened in the kitchen or am I missing something?

 

**spidey** @spiderman

YES IM REFERRING TO EHAT HAPPENED IN THE KITCHEN GOD UM

 

**melonfucker** @nthnyng

what happened in the kitchen

 

**spidey** @spiderman

ok so me and mr. banner were trying to make this asguardian pie for thor and some of the other asguardians as a welcoming gift right

 

**Kelly** @readurmind

Okay, Pure.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

and i guess we were making it wrong bc midway through the HULK COMES OUT AND STARTS FIXING IT

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

Is that what happened? I thought I might've gotten shot or something.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

YOU THOUGHT WHAT NOW

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

alright, moving on from that worrying statement, so me and the actual real life hulk finished making the pie and now its in the oven

 

**Janet** @notacactus

i thought the hulk only knew how to fight???huh

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

The Hulk is… Complicated. 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i kinda love him tho

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

okie dokey so now were waiting for this pie to finish cooking n me and mr banner will go and give it to the asguardians .

 

**luka** @ironheart

this is so??? cute???? idk much ab asguard or anything but like… theyre being so sweet

 

**Deby** @deb

so like are these dudes refugees or are they just visiting for shits and giggles

 

**sasha** @Clarke

I heard their planet was destroyed by Thors sister so… 

 

**Deby** @deb

It really be like that sometimes

 

[ twenty minutes later ]

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

yall it's Done

 

**dirk** @agentgently

please live tweet this

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

oh you know i am

 

**dirk** @agentgently

thank you for my life spider-man

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

alright im bringing it out to them

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

GUYS I JUST MET THOR AND HES SO BEAUTIFUL 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Tell me about it!

 

**angel emoji** @medusahead

this is so gay i love it

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

thor, God of thunder, asked me if i wanted to give it to everyone personally im going to lose my marbles

 

**delilah** @heythere

ive seen pictures of thor and that alone made me risk it all i cant imagine what he looks like irl

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

HIS ACCENT IS SO NICE TOO

 

**delilah** @heythere 

WHAT KIND OF ACCENT DOES HE HAVEUFUSJF

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

strangely enough… australian 

 

**delilah** @heythere

oh my FUCKING GOD???????????

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

ALL THE ASGUARDIANS ARE SO KIND IM AB TO CRY

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

IM TALKING TO THIS ONE GIRL NOW AND HER NAME IS LITERALLY KOA. LIKE A KOA FISH UHHH.

 

**angel emoji** @medusahead 

I forgot to ask but what does an asguardian pie even have in it

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

honestly its a mixture of so much stuff but i had some and it's…….. so good. there's like blueberries and pineapple in there with this weird flour idek 

 

**leah** @flaminghotcheetos

tell us about koa!!!!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

oh well idk what shed be comfortable w but shes around my age and shes super nice!! ive been talking to her and her 4 brothers for a few minutes now and they're all so sweet 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im really glad someone like thor is the one looking after all these people because every single one has been more than thankful and kind to me. i don't know all of the details but i truly feel that none of them deserve this

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

also side note they're all so pretty i think asguardians are all born stunning or smth i think it's their dna

 

**leah** @flaminghotcheetos

guys… i think i stan spiderman 

 

**delilah** @heythere 

I KNOW ME TOO HES BABY

 

**Corey** @deadlydude

i get big bi vibes from him tbh

 

**quen** @queenquen

spiders are gay culture   
  
  



	2. spiders are gay culture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im. so sorry

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Alright me and Natasha have been talking for a good while and she says she never said she was straight in the first place. I have never apologized this much in my life.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

I was kind of joking when I said Tony outed me. It's alright guys. Calm yourselves.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I am so stressed out

 

**r** @bloodline 

no cops at pride just tony stark and his iron suit

 

**jake** @bibibi9

as a member of the nypd…… yes

 

**r** @bloodline

oh fuck a cop everyone hide ur weed

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

HDAJDJANDJ

 

-

 

**vanya** @whiteviola

i cant be the only person wondering who black widows gf is right? which one of us wlws is That Lucky

 

**david** @omgchipotle

I KNOWW!!!!!! every time i see a pretty, deadly looking girl my mind is immediately like “tht could be black widows gf and i wouldnt know”

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians

glad im not the only one who thinks that ohmy 

 

**vanya** @whiteviola

me and my gf helen have been freaking out since it all happened.. my brother made black widow pins with the lesbian flag on it and gave it to her and she Cried

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians

that's cute and all but tell ur brother to make more and send me one asap

 

**klaus** @theseance

thank you for promoting my new business sev!!

 

**vanya** @whiteviola

do anything sketchy w that new money and ill come after you. you know i can.

 

**klaus** @theseance 

yeah yeah love u too 

 

-

 

**Buzzfeed News** @BuzzfeedNews

Is Spider-man another LGBT+ Superhero?

 

**ned** @gitc

honey, you gotta big storm comin.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

i love my life sometimes

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

alright so ppl are asking ab my sexuality bc i called thor and every asguardian beautiful 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

which honestly is kind of bullshit, pardon my language, because even a 1000% straight man can see thor and every asguardian is beautiful

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

men should be allowed to appreciate other men without people making assumptions. eyes exist. tell ur bros their handsome as hell. hug ur friends. platonically kiss them if their comfortable w that. nothing matters.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

everyone can see that thor is beautiful. he has sparkling eyes and a heart of gold. i want to be his best friend. so what.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

now.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

with all that being said i am also very bi but that doesn't erase everything i said before.

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

Why doesn't anyone text me before making huge announcements. I'm going to lose my mind.

 

-

 

**ellie** @oldesttwin

OH????? MY GODDDDDD?????????DHSJJDJ

 

**spiderman says bi rights!** @2009telephone

GAYS WIN GAYS WIN GAYS WIN GAYS WIN

 

**xin** @yahoostan

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

 

-

 

**Savvy** @SavHa

damn I really liked Spider-man too ://

 

**greg** @idklarry

the biphobia JUMPED out w this tweet lmao

 

**Savvy** @SavHa 

it's just my opinion. bisexual men always cheat. I don't want to support a cheater 

 

**what's going on** @heyeyeyeyey 

hi! bi man here, happily married! never thought about cheating once in our entire relationship but :) go :) off :) ig :)

 

-

 

**ally** @yobama 

maybe im sobbing over the whole black widow & spider-man being lgbt+ like.. it clarifies so much to me about the avengers bc i know they're all incredible people but u really don't know until something like this happens and u feel so… idk? fulfilled? 

 

**leo** @ironfamily

i know exactly what ur saying. it just makes u feel a little bit safer knowing for a fact that there's heros looking out for u

 

**ally** @yobama 

oh god oh fuck im crying again


	3. keener is here .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is so much longer than the other two we-

****

**h** @keener

sup fuckers ex dee 

**spidey** @spiderman 

you did not just type out XD that way

**h** @keener

but i did. what're u gonna do about it. punk.

**spidey** @spiderman 

i am just a littel creatchure 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

why am i friends with you

**spidey** @spiderman 

how dare you

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You know each other????????????????

**h** @keener

only bc u mentioned him to me 25 times sayin how good of pals we would be

**spidey** @spiderman 

mr stark.. did u really think i wouldn't go looking for him?

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

My worlds are colliding right now. 

**h** @keener

i still don't know what he looks like tho so :(

**spidey** @spiderman 

my face is Confidential, Actually.

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

It better be, kid. It better be.

**h** @keener 

cant a gay just get some CONTENT

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

i said it once ill say it again. i love my life.

**ned** @gitc 

our squad is superior 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

ned i am so close to blocking you

-

**zachariah** @gettingadivorce

uh.. who the fuck are all those kids

**charlie** @daymanaaah

and why are they all gay 

**carly** @eyecarly

[fuck them kids.png]

**zachariah** @gettingadivorce

fr though why does tony mf stark know so many teenagers? i smell a conspiracy theory 

-

**ELAINA** @starkslut

can we talk real quick ab how relatable all of tonys tweets have been recently

**ELAINA** @starkslut

like, “my worlds are colliding” is already So Good, but just yesterday we were blessed with “i am so stressed out” and “oh fuck” like…. where are my memes quoting that tweet. where are they.

**september** @douremember

I KNOWWW… wait a min lemme make a tweet real quick

-

**september** @douremember

me:

nobody:

literally nothing:

nothing at all:

my brain:

(Quoted Tweet)

**[  Tony Stark** @STARK 

    I am so stressed out  **]**

—

**27.1k Retweets 59.2k Likes**

—

|

**september** @douremember 

ok this blew up uh,,, stan tony stark 

-

**Under my umbrella** @ellaellaeheheh

TONY STARK CALLING SPIDEY “KID” IS SOMETHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED

**boots w th fur** @she_hit_the_flow

ON JAH IM CRYIN A LIL OVER THIS..

**spidey stan** @whtvr.a.spideystan

list of kids TS may or may not know:

-spidey

-“h”

-ned

-mj

possibly more

**zahn** @looooove 

i would rather loki stab me then know that many teenagers. praying for my dude ironman 

**kali** @riverpheonixxx

i would rather loki stab me period end of sentence 

**zahn** @looooove 

didnt he… overthrow ny 

**kali** @riverpheonixxx

he can overthrow me anytime. (im p sure he was under mind control lmaofhsjfj)

**zahn** @looooove 

incredible. fucking love twitter

-

**ELAINA** @starkslut

maybe im infinity brain but ume. all of tonys ‘kids’ are lgbtq and we know he has that homeless lgbtq side building going on and im crying thinking about what that might mean for him to know them

**juce** @bittaflexin

GOD I HOPE THAT ISNT THE CASE BUT IF IT IS.IM UGLY CRYING 

**mateo** @gilllwm

ELAINA WHAT HAVEBYOU DONE I DOJT WANNA THINK AB THAT

**ELAINA** @starkslut

i cant be the only one whos mind went there man

-

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

What the actual fuck

-

**spidey** @spiderman 

guys im going to call @keener in a second and im really excited to hear his voice

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

dot dot dot

**spidey** @spiderman 

watch it mj

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

ballsy move for a man that cried watching a music video last night

**spidey** @spiderman 

LITERALLY HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

i know everything.

**ned** @gitc

be real here spidey you brought this onto yourself

**spidey** @spiderman 

yeah well i learned it from peter

**ned** @gitc 

im sure you did 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

?????????????????

-

**spidey** @spiderman 

HE SAID YALL IN A NON MEME WAY GUYST.. HE SAID Y A L L

**h** @keener 

i will force you to say ‘get outta here’ if you keep talking shit

**spidey** @spiderman 

alright. point taken.

**h** @keener 

it probably wouldnt even work w ur voice

**spidey** @spiderman 

what is that supposed to mean

**h** @keener 

this dude talks like !! ʰⁱ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵒⁿᵉ !!

**spidey** @spiderman 

I DO NOT

**ned** @gitc 

…… i never thought of it that way but.. yeah

**spidey** @spiderman 

i am: betrayed.

-

**riley** @webheadd5

so NOT ONLY is spidey adorable but he SOUNDS cute too???? dear lord. idk what his face looks like but rn he seems like a dream

-

**deanne** @annwad

who's Peter

-

**Conspiracy** @ConspiracyMan

I went looking for the mentioned “Peter” in Spider-mans recent tweet, and I found that almost every Avenger is following someone by that name, aswell as Spider-man himself.

**Gyllen** @NotGyllenhaal

Okay but drop the @ tho

**Conspiracy** @ConspiracyMan

@peterparker

**best intern** @peterparker

im just an intern omg

**Gyllen** @NotGyllenhaal

You're 17 and you intern at SI?

**best intern** @peterparker

yeah lol 

**Gyllen** @NotGyllenhaal

Are you super rich or super smart

**best intern** @peterparker 

I've been known to know things

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

peter is a dumbass in general but hes good at science and tony saved him once. that's all u need to know.

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

? When did I save Pete ?

**best intern** @peterparker 

wow good one mj

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

he.. he doesnt know?

**best intern** @peterparker 

NO HE DOESNT KNOW

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Boy you better answer

**ned** @gitc 

*peter's bout 2 get his ass BEAT*

**best intern** @peterparker 

you remember saving a kid from a hammer drone a long time ago? like, over 7 years ago? i was wearing the iron man mask?

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Yeah. I remember that. Ok. Cool. Absolutely Fine. Great.

-

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

Anybody want to tell me Why tony is teary eyed staring at his phone orrrr

-

**spidey** @spiderman 

guys i fell asleep what happened

**h** @keener 

you talked about peter dumbass

**spidey** @spiderman 

oh fuck lmao is he ok

**h** @keener 

parker? oh yea hes fine. worry ab tony 

**spidey** @spiderman 

t...tony?

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I am so… There are no words.

**spidey** @spiderman 

i just read the thread and damn fam u didnt know?

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm so close to disowning you.

**spidey** @spiderman 

ahdhahsjfhsjfhajfhdh you aren't my dad 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

DOT DOT DOT

**spidey** @spiderman 

F-WORD OFF MJ

**h** @keener 

spidey. baby. why don't you swear on here. u have a sailors mouth irl.

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I've never heard him swear

**h** @keener 

‘hozier is so fucking pretty’

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

“all i did was FUCKING BREATHE”

**ned** @gitc 

“ned you silly slut. bologna is spelled like pony with a b. i don't give a shit.”

**spidey** @spiderman 

i said none of this

**Tony** **Stark** @STARK 

You definitely said all of this.

**ophelia** @heavenly

baby, huh?

**dave** @onacracker 

I NOTICED THAT TOO OMGG

-

**ophelia** @heavenly 

#keeney or #spideener 

**craig** @owoseni 

what's that 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

spidey + keener

**craig** @owoseni 

his name is just h on twt so why not hidey 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

oh fuck that's cute

-

**haley** @wastelandbabie

i really wanna hear spider-man call hozier “fucking pretty” with my own two ears please 

-

(  **Hozier** Liked )

**[  h** @keener

     ‘hozier is so fucking pretty’  **]**

-

**spidey** @spiderman 

i am but a spider in the mud and hozier is my king

-

**shia** @braisedBEEF

i want spidey's spotify asap

**Cosmo** @goodngreen

apple music is better

**shia** @braisedBEEF

some of us are POOR, cosmo

**Cosmo** @goodngreen

we have the exact same check but okay

**shia** @braisedBEEF

sorry for being frugal then ****  
  



	4. (deaf noises)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for using only buzzfeed news   
> . im big dumb and i couldnt think of another platform fjsjfjajfj

****

**wilis** @mlmthor

i want to know what the avengers voices sound like but my ears be like (deaf noises)

 

**karl** @saltnpepperdine

DEAF NOISESDFFHJDGY

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye

Ain't that a fat mood.

 

**wilis** @mlmthor

WHAT NOW

 

**karl** @saltnpepperdine

yeah you would say that

 

**wilis** @mlmthor 

i fucking hate you

 

-

 

**karomo** @souljaboutellem

Hawkeye is deaf?????????????

 

**trey** @bbgametmrw

When Where What Why Who

 

**karomo** @souljaboutellem

[screenshot]

 

**trey** @bbgametmrw 

:O

 

-

 

**Buzzfeed News** @BuzzfeedNews

Is The Avengers’ Hawkey deaf?

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye

I didn't think this wasn't common knowledge. I'm deaf as hell.

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Does literally everything have to be spelled out for you people? Almost every Avenger has some form of disability in one way or another.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

the general public assumes things all the time.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Wait when tf did you get a Twitter?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

secret.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Bucky Bitch Barnes, everyone.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes

the audacity 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT

 

**yeet** @shuri

oop oh shit haha

 

-

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn

every???? avenger??? has some??? form??? of?? disability????????

 

**call me big PaPa** @ThrowUrHandsInTheAir

yeah im tryna figure out what that means too

 

**style** @lightsabernoises

they don't look disabled

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn

there's no such thing as looking disabled 

 

**style** @lightsabernoises

you know what I meant

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

actually uh i dont

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

now that im thinkin ab it…. tony is right

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

yeah same ig i never noticed? idk

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

sometimes i hate being a mutant but then i can carry really big dogs and i feel okay again

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

you're a mutant?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

have you been on youtube?? ive lifted cars before 

 

**h** @keener 

you fucking did what now

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im stronk 

 

**h** @keener

glad you have it because it's going to take an ungodly amount of strength to lift my mind out of the gutter w this new information 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

DSKSHDKSSJ

 

-

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

  1. keener just dmed me asking what spider-mans arms look like we-



 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby

does he not know there are so many pictures & videos of the guy already

 

**h** @keener 

way to expose me. wow. but thank u for reminding me.

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

g..gay…. im 

 

**h** @keener 

.. homosexual

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

pray for my man keener he just discovered google images

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Today has been... eventful. To say the least. 

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

some of yall have never been hugged by steve rogers and it shows

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

I WANT A HUG FROM MR STEVE NOW

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

he hasn't hugged you yet???

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Deadass?

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

He hasn't hugged you yet?

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye

Wait, you're telling me he HASN'T hugged you yet?

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

His hugs are… pretty damn good.

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

Usually you get a Steve Roger's Hug™ a week after knowing him.

 

**NF** @FURY

Even I've been hugged by him.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Genuinely shocked. He's sitting next to me. Should I tell him to go hug you?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

YES PLEASE DO THAT

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i just saw him leave. he's on his way. nothing can stop him now.

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

WOW WHAT AN EXPERIENCE 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

my guardian opened the door expecting our pizza but it was just Captian Freaking America and she screamed So Loud so i go running out and literally 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

he just looks at me, says “hi [redacted]”, hugs me, nods at my guardian, and then leaves. 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

how the hell was he so warm it's like 10 degrees outside

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

steve's always been a mini heater 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

on god ive never felt so safe in my life

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

alright I'm going to pretend that doesn't sting a little. I mean, I do agree with you.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I don't like hugs unless it's from my s/o but Steve's? Oh man. You expect it to be uncomfortable because of how muscular he is but it's just nice. 

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

you have an s/o??????

 

-

 

**jenny** @ruin_our_friendship

BRUCE BANNER HAS AN S/O??????

 

-

 

**nina** @castaneda

i really want a Steve Rogers Hug™ now

 

-

 

**bbg gabe** @footlettuce

did tony stark just tweet “deadass” 

 

-

 

**hailey** @bedtimes

are spiderman and keener dating or what

  
  
  
  



	5. pepper is STRUGGLING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pepper, bbg, i promise you will get some Rest. but not before shuri has a gay asthma attack

**yeet** @shuri

how do you ask out a girl

 

**T'challa** @blackpanther

does my sister have a crush??

 

**yeet** @shuri

your sister is ab to release a certain video of you falling over if you keep talking

 

**T'challa** @blackpanther

point taken

 

**ella** @undermyumbrella

you're a genius princess. what girl in their right mind WOULDN'T want to date u.

 

**yeet** @shuri

that is good input but i really just don't know how to . just ask 

 

**yeet** @shuri

like do i just say randomly ‘hey wanna b my gf’? do i take her out to dinner? what if she thinks it's platonic?

 

**saw taylor swift x2** @wefoundwonderland

do you know she likes girls?

 

**yeet** @shuri

im positive

 

**saw taylor swift x2** @wefoundwonderland

and does she know you like girls?

 

**yeet** @shuri 

uhhhhhhhh im sure ive mentioned it before

 

**saw taylor swift x2** @wefoundwonderland

just be like “ugh i wish i had a gf” and then if shes like most wlw shell b like “me too” and then.. offer

 

**yeet** @shuri 

BUT WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO

 

**aurora** @avera

then she says no and u move on

 

**yeet** @shuri 

but i don't want to ruin our friendship:((

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

even if she says no it wont change anything. u know how she is

 

**yeet** @shuri 

im NERVOUS okay

 

**best intern** @peterparker

shuri. i know she wont say no. 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

RAAAAHGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

**yeet** @shuri 

ive never asked out anyone before this is so nerve wracking 

 

-

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I am dating someone. Sorry I forgot to mention that.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Is it who I texted you thinking it was?

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Yes. Don't tell.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Alright 1) good job! 2) I saw this coming 3) I wont.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

omg WHO IS IT

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

Yeah I want to know too!!!!

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I saw it coming way before Tony did. Just to clarify.

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

that clarifies nothing 

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

OHH 

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

for real? I'm hurt. Who is it.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I'll text it in the group chat one second I got to go ask them if it's okay.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Alright check the chat

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

IM NOT IN THE CHAT.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Why aren't you in the chat? I'll add you.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

thank u mr banner 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

HOLY SHIT REALLY

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Lmao

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You know you could've just typed out their name instead of that disgustingly cute selfie.

 

**yeet** @shuri 

spidey you BETTER text me that selfie

 

**yeet** @shuri 

that's… that's so fucking cute

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

you both look so happy. me and stevie are crying in the club rn.

 

**yeet** @shuri

that meme is a little old but im still proud of you

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Says the girl whose name is Yeet.

 

**yeet** @shuri

fuck you it's making a comeback 

 

**h** @keener 

I WAS IN SCHOOL WHO IS BRUCE DATING

 

**h** @keener 

OH YM GOD U TWO DESERVE EVERYTHING 

 

-

 

**Pop Buzz** @PopBuzz

Who is Bruce Banner, The Hulk, dating?

 

**shia** @kissmethruthphone

i love that they put all women on the list when at no point did bruce say tht he has a gf 

 

**delilah** @heythere 

fr NOBODY used she/her pronouns during the entire (very large) thread

 

**daz** @dazzling

are the straights okay™?

 

**Josh** @joshdunham 

I don't know about that one cheif

 

**delilah** @heythere 

why do you say that Josh. huh.

 

**Josh** @joshdunham 

The Hulk is obviously not gay 

 

**daz** @dazzling 

bruce banner can date whoever he wants fuck u

 

-

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Is it considered polyamory if you're two people?

 

**Shane Medej** @shalexandej 

NEXT TIME ON UNSOLVED 

 

**karolina** @shaniac4life

YES PELASREEEEEE

 

**damien** @goldsworthy

is the hulk dating ur s/o too???????

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

They're fond of each other. I don't know if Hulk is even capable of being in a relationship.

 

**damien** @goldsworthy 

alright who the fuck is bruce dating that they're ‘fond’ of the hulk.

 

**molly** @wincnarider

the real question is WHO IS THE HULK FOND OF??????

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

im going to ask her out today.

 

**yeet** @shuri 

nvm i saw her contact pic on my phone and i got overwhelmed 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

if you ask her out through the phone she'll say yes but be kinda pissed off js

 

**yeet** @shuri 

you want me to fly out to america just to ask out this girl?

 

**ned** @gitc 

omg please do she'll be so happy

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

or as happy as she can be yk

 

**yeet** @shuri 

guys i freaked out seeing her Picture do you understand how much of a wreak ill be if i see her in PERSON???

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

DO IT

 

**yeet** @shuri 

okay i have the tickets ill be there tomorrow 

 

**ned** @gitc 

wait can she see this thread

 

**yeet** @shuri 

no i blocked her from all of these tweets

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

IM SO EXCITED 

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

Can you all PLEASE text me before these announcements. PLEASE.

  
  
  
  



	6. old town road

**ned** @gitc 

the spidey suit doesnt give his abs justice, js.

 

**h** @keener 

much to think about.

 

**oli** @africabypitbull

how do.. how do you know what his abs look like

 

**ned** @gitc 

he was changing out of his suit and i was there lol

 

**oli** @africabypitbull

bruh so he got naked in front of u?

 

**ned** @gitc 

NO omg he was still wearing underwear he was just changing fhsjfjsjdahhwja

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

ok but why was he changing in front of you

 

**ned** @gitc 

ill text u the story but basically he was in a hurry

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i was going to ask why you wouldn't say on twt but then i went over the story in my head and..  yeah that doesnt sound good

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

LMAOO HDDHSHHSGA

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah  

it didnt sound good over text with context either by the way

 

**ned** @gitc 

STOPDH

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm going to kill you @keener

 

**h** @keener 

i mean go ahead but why 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I don't like how accepting you are to that, but it's because you sang that weird horse song for 10 minutes straight and now it's stuck in my head

 

**h** @keener 

WAIT YOU-

 

**h** @keener 

I CANT BREAATHEEEEEEE

 

**h** @keener 

im so fucking powerful 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

“I got the horses in the back” has been on loop for THREE GOD DAMN HOURS in my mind. And I'm going to kill you.

 

**h** @keener

we're connected <3

  
  


-

 

**shiatsu** @doglvr

KEENER GOT OLD TOWN ROAD STUCK IN TONY STARKS HEAD IM PEEEEING

 

**Gaysby** @gatsbyisgay

imagine tony stark trying to focus, his eyes welling up with tears. “what's wrong?” bruce asks. tony slams his fists on the table, and through gritted teeth, he says “i got the horses in the back.”

 

**sarah loves noah** @w2lliam2

IM ON THE TUBE TRYING TO HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER FUCK OFFFFFFBSHDHSHSJJS

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

my power ...

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

im so tired and all i can think about is that one time pete yelled GAY RIGHTS! at me when i said that i hate myself 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

Gay Rights!

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

please i just want to see  *****

 

**ned** @gitc 

;)

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

hehe 

 

-

 

**sarah** @testmypatienxe

i love that we all found out that black widow has a gf but did no digging but the second bruce banner says he has an s/o we all try to figure out who it is

 

**diana** @biggyiggy

i really wanna figure out what the s/o's pronouns are so i can BREATHE 

 

**riles** @dannyphantome

I KNOW ME TOO IT STRESSES ME OUT SO MUCH

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

My s/o goes by he/they pronouns! :)

 

**riles** @dannyphantome 

OOOH MY GOD

 

**sarah** @testmypatienxe

this is exactly what i meant

 

-

 

**tara** @daktyl 

list of (out) lgbt superheroes 

-spidey

-black widow

-bruce banner (the hulk)

-im counting shuri 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

thank you. is that really all that are out? huh 

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Spare me the conference meetings.

 

**yeet** @shuri 

right right… why should they care

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

The bravery.

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

We need to find a way to do things so the homophobes don't start sending more death threats to you kids and superheros than they already do.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

That's a lot nicer wording than what you told me 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

But they're already sending death threats. Fuck homophobes and transphobes.

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

And I agree with you, but I'm trying my best with getting all of these forums filled out and getting press conferences so in a few weeks everyone can come out. Or not come out. Whatever.

 

**frankie** @galqqy 

imshaking at this tweet WHO IS LGBTTTTT

 

**dp** @deadpool

im pan as fuck if you care

 

**frankie** @galqqy

i do. so much. thank you

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

okay okay okay okay okay o

 

**yeet** @shuri 

im getting on the plane now i should be there tomorrow 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

IM SO NERVOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSS

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

it's going to be ok!!! 

 

**ned** @gitc 

shuri she really likes you i promise 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

my face is so warm shut UP

 

**natalie** @ddassistant

this thread is so cute wow i really hope it turns out good for u

 

-

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Feeling particularly gay this fine April night:)

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I hope all four of us can go out together again!

 

**gail** @aricnagrxnde

AWWWWW WERE YALL ON A GAY DOUBLE DATE 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

I guess we were!

 


	7. gross

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harley and pete will see each other's faces soon i PROMISE

**h** @keener 

tell me how i went this long without seeing @spiderman‘s face….

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

well idk what u look like either! wait im patrolling rn voice call me 

 

**h** @keener 

ok 1 sec

 

-

 

**Gloria** @edgeofglory

wait so spidey and keener AREN'T dating???

 

**jj** @jnjmemes

I KNOWWW LIKE I HAD TO PAUSE FOR A SEC..

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

im just as shocked as u are tbh

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

guys……. im almost there…. GUYSSSS IM ALMOST FUCKING THERE

 

**ned** @gitc 

TO AMERICA???

 

**yeet** @shuri 

no im going to quebec . YES AMERICA

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Anyone wanna do a q&a? I'm bored

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

We're in a meeting 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You have my notifications on? Aw. <3

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Gross.

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

@STARK who's your best friend?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You!

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

haha fuck yeah

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

steve's not going to like that, tony.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

He doesn't have Twitter. What's he going to do?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Steve just send me a VERY long text

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Hello???  Meeting????

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Gross.

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

alright im back from patrolling and @keener was really tired and his voice sounded really nice and it doesnt matter but i thought u should know

 

**h** @keener 

thanks. now where is my SELFIE 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i gotta get the sweat off my face first thank you

 

**h** @keener 

ion know if i want u to 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

what does that mean

 

**h** @keener 

nothing . nevermind

 

**does bruno mars** @24kmagic

LMAOOOOOOO WE SEE YOU KEENER . WE SEE YOU

 

**h** @keener 

dont expose me

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

you've exposed yourself 

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

alright im at the airport where is the Brincess 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

I WANT TO SEE MY LITTLE BOY

 

**ned** @gitc 

HERE I COME

 

**ned** @gitc 

where????? are you????

 

**yeet** @shuri 

i see you do you see me

 

**ned** @gitc 

ARE ALL THOSE GUARDS FOR YOU

 

**yeet** @shuri 

yea

 

**ned** @gitc 

WHY

 

**yeet** @shuri 

im the princess of wakanda .

 

**ned** @gitc 

oh right LMAO 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

you called me “princess” like 5 mins ago

 

**ned** @gitc 

can you just come over im scared of ur guards

 

**yeet** @shuri 

ok im omw . hug me brother

 

**dana** @korndiddy

THIS SISO SOFT

 

**hannah** @momtana 

mlm/wlw solidarity♡

 

**kale** @kalecium 

YESS

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

okay im walking w ned and were going to surprise her

 

**yeet** @shuri 

i was expecting more of an reaction but um yeah!

 

**yeet** @shuri 

she looks so radiant.. and i just got off a 14h flight GOD

 

**ned** @gitc 

you took a shower though!!

 

**yeet** @shuri 

SHES SO BEAUTIFUL 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

okay ned is leaving im about to ask her out

 

**ned** @gitc 

WHAT DID SHE SAY

 

**yeet** @shuri 

SHESAID YEAH

 

**ned** @gitc 

AAAAHADHAJDJAJFJHAJD

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

SEE SHURI!!!! WE TOLD U!!!!!!!!

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

im going on my first date wow.

 

**yeet** @shuri 

this is your first date?? how??

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

idk ive never liked anyone as much as you before

 

**yeet** @shuri 

please my Heart ,,

 

**cramer** @whatsthedealwbananas

damn yall that close already?

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

we've been friends for awhile so yeah

 

**cramer** @whatsthedealwbananas 

oh valid


	8. PLEASE run me over

**[ spidey** @spiderman  ---> **h** @keener  **]**

 

**spidey** : okay im just washing my face 1 sec

 

**h** : i hope you know im putting no effort into my face reveal 

 

**spidey** : that's okay

**spidey** : you're the only person who knows who my identity is before seeing my face wow

 

**h** : why is this kinda nerve wracking though

**h** : wait what do you think i look like

 

**spidey** : idk probably just soft? mr stark told me u have blue eyes

 

**h** : what

 

**spidey** : it just came up in the conversation idk

 

**h** : imma b real all i know is that you're pale

 

**spidey** : i am NOT pale who told you that >:(

 

**h** : mj did

 

**spidey** : oh i guess i am pale then

**spidey** : u want me to go first?

 

**h** : sure

 

**spidey** : [selfie]

**spidey** : [pic of him with tony]

**spidey** : [pic of him with a smiling ned and an unamused mj]

**spidey** : there's my face!

 

**h** : OH NO HES HOT

**h** : FUCK 

 

**spidey** : STOPTJEJFH IM NOT BUT THANK U

 

**h** : wait … do u seriously think ur not hot bc if so that's a crime literally a crime

 

**spidey** : omg moving on send one back

 

**h** : ok but this convo isnt over 

**h** : [selfie]

**h** : [pic of him working in the lab]

**h** : [family photo]

 

**spidey** : harley PLEASE run me over

 

**h** : only for u baby

 

**spidey** : the southern charm… its working

 

**h** : i have a cowboy hat

 

**spidey** : …

**spidey** : i almost said sumn that was really not pg 

 

**h** : oohoho boy

 

**spidey** : *sweating emoji*

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

god fuck hes so cute

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im . not ok

 

-

 

**[ spidey** @spiderman ---> **ned** @gitc  **]**

 

**spidey** : ned oh my fucking God

 

**ned** : what

 

**spidey** : his hair… his eyes… 

 

**ned** : harley?

 

**spidey** : YEAH

 

**ned** : oh dang 

 

**spidey** : i want to do so much w him

**spidey** : WAIT I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

 

**ned** : sure u didnt

 

**spidey** : I MEANT LIKE GO OUT ON A DATE PEKASSEE

 

**ned** : im sure you did

 

**spidey** : i mean...

 

**ned** : wait so u fr have a crush him?

 

**spidey** : i mean...

 

**ned** : when did this start pete 

 

**spidey** : uhhhhhhh

 

**ned** : SAY IT

 

**spidey** : like the second time we voice called

 

**ned** : that was… weeks ago

 

**spidey** : I KNOW

 

**ned** : HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME

 

**spidey** : YOURE THE FIRST PERSON TO KNOW BESIDES MJ BUT I DIDNT EXACTLY TELL HER SHES JUST . MJ

 

**ned** : .. ok im not mad

 

**spidey** : i wanna hmm hold his tennessee face and play w his curls

 

**ned** : he has curls you say?

 

**spidey** : [screenshot of harley's selfie]

**spidey** : he has many curls

 

**ned** : oh yeah i see it now

 

**spidey** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

 

**ned** : lmao u ok there

 

**spidey** : the b in peter b parker stands for bottom 

 

**ned** : FUCKFSDF

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

wheres mj when you need her

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

shut up im on a date rn

 

**ned** @gitc 

okay then whatre u doing on your phone HUH

 

**yeet** @shuri 

we're showing each other memes

 

**ned** @gitc 

cute

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Pepper says everything will be filled out tomorrow and then maybe Steve will get a Twitter

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

he doesnt know how to use this 

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

We could teach him?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

oh this is going to be a disaster 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm down

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

Me too

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

… lets do this 

 

**eve** @redredred 

I CANT WAIT DHAJFJSJ

 

-

 

**i love dana skully** @skullgrl 

yall captain america is getting a twt soon and the falcon, tony stark, and bucky barnes are going to teach him. this is going to be a mess. i am so excited 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HYPE HYPE HYPE HYPE HYPE HYPE
> 
> \+ what lgbt headcanons do yall want


	9. #ThankYouSiri

**dave** @christonacracker

guys….. anyone else notice that tony stark just followed someone w the name steve rogers??

 

 **OPHELIA** @heavenly

IT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!

 

 **grace** @lukesbaby

oh my god oh fuck

 

-

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

fsguurgd

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

help

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

Hi Twitter! Thank you Siri.

 

 **janet** @notagirl

#ThankYouSiri

 

-

 

 **caroline** @jbbstan

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

 

 **#ThankYouSiri** @treelander

#ThankYouSiri

 

-

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

,the thank you part wasn't supposed to be in there i was using speech to text but i'll type it all out now :)

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

you're doing good!!

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

Oh this is an... interesting situation

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

You all realize how much shit we're going to get in with Steve being able to tell the world anything whenever he wants?

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

SOMEONE GETS IT

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

that's the fun part!

 

 **Clint** @Hawkeye

Guys hes over 90 years old give him a break

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

how do i say hi to bruce and shuri?

 

 **yeet** @shuri

oh hey steve!! you just put an @ and add their username

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

@BruceBanner how are you

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

Hi Steve! I'm okay

 

-

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

bananas are gross now and i miss the old ones

 

 **hailey** @fleetwoodmcdonald

this is possibly the strangest thing ive read on this app today

 

-

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

you all should've seen how confused i was when they asked me to do an anti smoking ad and read its bad for your lungs. i was prescribed cigarettes for my ASTHMA

 

 **#ThankYouSiri** @treelander

YOU WERE PRESCRIBED WHAT FOR WHAT NOW

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

crazy how advanced science is!

 

-

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

im so glad you can all experience steves weirdness now.

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

This man is so strange.

 

-

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

im just telling you all now that steve reads almost all his dms . please stop sending thirst tweets hes ninety years old.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

hey, so are you!

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

yes but ive had time to adjust to thirst tweets. this is your first day.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

honestly ive gotten more people telling me that im walking propaganda and now i want to change my supername

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

… supername?

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

there is so much wrong with this country

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

Steve what did we talk about.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

did i lie?

 

 **yeet** @shuri

someone edit steves face over that one video of nicki minaj you know the one

 

 **playwfire** @ivealwaysliked2

you're welcome

[ video of steve's face over nicki minaj saying “DID I LIE? DID I FUCKING LIE? ]

 

 **yeet** @shuri

thank you for your service

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

love her!

 

 **yeet** @shuri

me or nicki minaj

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

you're both great

 

 **yeet** @shuri

thank you

 

-

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

@CaptionAmerica You like Nicki Minaj??

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

yes she is very talented

 

 **Tony** **Stark** @STARK

Valid.

 

-

 

 **h** @keener

oh hey steve is here!!! hell yeah

 

 **yeet** @shuri

i knew he was kind of weird when i first met him but his tweets are something else

 

 **h** @keener

hey leave him alone his heart is made of gold

 

 **yeet** @shuri

i also got that impression as well!!!

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

i havent met him yet but hes one of the VERY few white men i trust

 

 **h** @keener

okay same

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

harley you are a white male

 

 **h** @keener

and what about it?

 

 **yeet** @shuri

LMAOOO

 

-

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

i cant wait to fuck some shit up tomorrow!!!

 

 **joanie** @redarling

what's going on tomorrow?

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

training

 

 **joanie** @redarling

you... like training?

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

hell yeah!!!

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

up until i beat you haha

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

yeah, right. you have an advantage.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

.,you got me there!

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

and your cooking sucks

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

I'm hurt. deeply. absolutely wounded.

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

then perish

 

 **yeet** @shuri

AHDJAKFIQIFJAJD


	10. absolute mad lad

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

It is 3am on a Tuesday..  is it the right time to break the internet? 

 

**5.11.16** @doyalike

you absolute mad lad. YES!

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

;) You got it!

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm bisexual and polyamorous 

 

**5.11.16** @doyalike

HOLY FUCK-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

You couldn't wait until tomorrow afternoon?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I made no agreement to that.

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

He did say, and I quote, “Yeah sure but probably not.”

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

He did. He did.

 

-

 

**nat** @londonare

I KNOW YALL ARE ASLEEP BUT IRON MAN LITERALLY JUST CAME OUT ON TWITTER WE- GAYS WIN!

 

-

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

i have tonys notifs on so you can imagine when i woke up the the sound of rapid beeping and looking at my screen and seeing THAT

 

-

 

**dp** @deadpool 

hey @STARK … can i dm you 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

No

 

**dp** @deadpool 

dang

 

-

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

It's early in the morning. Congrats @STARK. Sucks you've had to wait so long, but proud of you regardless. #ScienceBros

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

#ScienceBros ♡

 

-

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

How did @STARK out me before himself 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Oh very funny Ha Ha.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Thank you. I know.

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Oh hey, I'm trending #1 worldwide! Love that.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

woah r u like.. famous or something?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Go back to bed 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

… and starve 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Don't do that please

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

wow i cant believe my mentor told me to starve 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'll call Her.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

okay okay okay okay oka

 

-

 

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews

Tony Stark just came out of the closet, and we're loving it.

 

**Barbara** @BarbaraAngel

Disgusting 

 

**sammy** @smitty77

oh shove it, Barbra.

 

**PayPal me 5000USD** @charlstonana 

this woman is really named Barbra talking ab disgusting lmaooo 

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

wow i am shocked with how much positivity regarding tony's coming out! very proud of this generation and tony:) 

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

this is so pure alexa play the american theme song

 

**mateo** @mlmthor

do you mean… the national anthem…

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly

american theme song 

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

This tweet is not available [ ume im so tired but my girl looks so pretty in the moonlight ]

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

DELETE

 

**yeet** @shuri 

ugh fine 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

thank 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

wow. mj saying thank you? man u must rlly like her huh

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

watch yourself 

 

**ned** @gitc 

uh oh sounds like a prank is happening soon!!

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

:)

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

this isnt fair your gf is literally the smartest person on earth

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

:)))

 

**yeet** @shuri 

;)

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

im scared

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

You should be.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Please don't kill him

 

-

 

[  **Pepper Potts** \---> **The Avengers** ]

 

**Pepper Potts** : Hi, I know it's still early, but you can all come out if you want

 

**Steve Rogers** : me & bucky too?

 

**Pepper Potts** : Yes!

 

**Bucky** : sick

 

**spidey** : omg hell yeah

 

**Bruce Banner** : Hey Pepper, Thor wants a twitter can they have one

 

**Pepper Potts** : It should be fine

 

**Tony Stark** : God this is so much fun

 

**Falcon** : yes it is!

 

**h** : it's the time for the lgbts to rise

 

**spidey** : we aren't jesus

 

**h** : aren't we?

 

**Steve Rogers** : no

 

**h** : debatable 

 

**Natasha** : If Thor can have a Twitter can Brunnhilde??

 

**Pepper Potts** : I thought her name was Valkyrie. And yes. Anyone can have a Twitter. Just don't post your coordinates or any confidential information.

 

**Natasha** : Okay. Her name is Brunnhilde but Valkyrie is her nickname.

 

**spidey** : uwu!

 

**Tony Stark** : I will kick you peter

 

**spidey** : i have the power of shuri and anime on my side

 

**Tony Stark** : …

 

**spidey** : ok mr. stark ill stop

 

**Bucky** : im excited 

 

**Steve Rogers** : ME TOO

 

**Tony Stark** : Keep it in ur pants

 

**Rhodey** : says you

 

**Tony Stark** : Not in front of the kids

 

**Rhodey** : oh shoot i forgot. sorry kids!

 

**h** : its ok uncle rhodes 

 

**Tony Stark** : Stop being cute you know what calling him uncle does

 

**spidey** : bold of you to assume harley can be anything other than cute

 

**Tony Stark** : Oh jesus christ 

 

**h** : gfhaifjajfjsjfjfj

**h** : actually tonie i have no idea what calling him uncle rhodey does because i haven't seen him in almost 5 years 

 

**Tony Stark** : You're not slick I know you want to come over to see your boyfriend. Also never spell my name like that again.

 

**spidey** : harley you have a boyfriend?????

 

**Steve Rogers** : to quote tony, oh jesus christ

 

**spidey** : what,???

 

**Falcon** : i thought he was supposed to be smart

 

**Tony Stark** : He is just give him a minute 

 

**h** : om g 

**h** : pete are u serious

 

**spidey** : wait do you actually have a boyfriend 

 

**h** : NO 

 

**spidey** : i don't get it

 

**Pepper Potts** : Wow.

 

**spidey** : OH

 

**Tony Stark** : See?

 

**Falcon** : yeah. okay

 

**spidey** : i am.. so dumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LETS GOOOOOOO


	11. asgardians be like

**sal volcano** @salvulcana

listen when i said all superheros are gay i didnt know i was RIGHT 

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

SAME THE FUCK????? WE LIVING IN A SIMULATION OR WHAT

 

**amanda** @punkbaby

oh but i am so happy this is how it's turning out .

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

ME TOO 

 

-

 

**vanya** @whiteviola 

WHO THE FUCK IS BRUCE AND NATASHA DATING I REALLY WANNA KNOW SO BAD

 

**klaus** @theseance

can you please chill

 

**vanya** @whiteviola 

NO.

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

listen we all got our avenger crush

 

**klaus** @theseance 

do you???????

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

… daredevil

 

**klaus** @theseance 

oh you would

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Just so you guys know… some of our friends have made some Twitter accounts 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

oh do tag them

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

@valkyrie @THUNDER @loki The Asguardians are here!

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

yes we are.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

:) VERY COOL 

 

**snake** @loki

why are you typing in all caps 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL TALKING IN LOWERCASE! :)

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

it seems like you're yelling. i guess you do that. it's perfect.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

IS IT TOO DISTRACTING? :)

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

A little

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

Should I write like the iron boy? :)

 

**snake** @Loki

i mean the smiley face is a bit much

 

**nathan** @baldingqueen

IT'S PURE

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

it seems a little sarcastic if im being honest 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

I PROMISE IT WASNT MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC :)

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Oh yeah I see it.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

This is a mess already.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

HELLO LOVE :)

 

**vanya** @whiteviola 

WHHAAT??????? FJSJFKAJFJSJDJAFJSJ

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby 

THOR ARE YOU AND BRUCE DATING

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

@BruceBanner CAN I?:)

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Yeah.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

WE ARE DATING YES.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

okay seriously type normally

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

I Will Type Like This?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

you aren't jaden smith 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

Who Is Jaden Smith?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

he types like that too

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

I Will Figure Out A Way To Type Soon Young Spider Boy

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

okay .

 

-

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

there are literal aliens on twt now . this is real life. this is the universe we've been dealt with now.

 

**todd** @MexicanFuneral

why does thor Type Like This

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

DON'T FORGET LIKE THIS :)

 

**todd** @MexicanFuneral

god why tf are the avengers so weird.

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

oh shoot i found a documentary on my life from 1 year before i came out of the ice should i watch it 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

it's not terrible so far

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

WHAT . WHAT DID THEY JUST SAY .

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i take it back this is bad

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

what's happening 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

“Mr. Rogers was drafted almost immediately”

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

WHAHDIAJD LMAO

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

wait do they not know 

 

**angel emoji** @medusahead 

what?????

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Yeah Steve? We aren't allowed to talk about it

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

oh ok sorry 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

small [image of pre-serum Steve]

 

**angel emoji** @medusahead 

HOW DID YOU HAVE THAT TRANSFORMATION

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

WORKOUT GOALSS

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

im apparently not allowed to talk about it

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i miss small you 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i would say i miss it too but i REALLY don't

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

it was a hard time 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

they mentioned you buck!!

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i can hear it from 5 feet away you know

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

oh my god they got everything so wrong

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

they really thought you were a playboy!

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

he wasnt??????

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

not at all. the girls we hung out with were lesbians

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

okay mood but????? why?????

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

it was the only way to have a proper date without being scared for your life back then

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

wait so you and bucky decided one day to team up and help out lesbians for??? what reason??

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

so we could go on a date 

 

**elaina** @starkslut 

WHATGD

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

… me and steve are married 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

yeah there is a lot they don't know

 

**h** @keener 

ill ask first but wasnt that illegal 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

yes extremely but my birth certificate said female so they didnt have any reason not to

 

**h** @keener 

finesse the system fuck yeah

 

**delilah** @heythere 

why did your birth certificate say female????? im so confused 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

I'm transgender. Assigned female at birth

 

**delilah** @heythere 

WHAT .

 

**OPHELIA** @heavenly 

OHH MY GOOODDD?????????

 

**jane h** @letsgolebians 

IS THIS REAL FUCKING LIFE 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

and im gay. making us the first gay marriage in the usa. cool!

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

heres a photo you'll never see in this documentary [worn-out image of pre-serum Steve and Bucky holding hands in front of a sunny window]

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i love my 2 dads

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Never say that again

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i love my 3 dads

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Thanks he's crying now.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

No I;m n ot

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

oh my god 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

yeah we got married but it was more of a if i die in the war situation

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

it was a bad time 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

we're still married tho!

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

yeah we were and are a couple even back then

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

but it was the 40s

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

it was the 40s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor thor i hope he finds his typing style


	12. spider sense

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews

Captain America is Transgender and Married to The Winter Soldier, Who is Gay.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

REMINDER: DO NOT READ THE REPLIES I REPEAT DO NOT READ THE REPLIES 

 

**delilah** @heythere 

i don't know what i was expecting but holy shit people are so horrible

 

**pronto** @babynomoney

it's 2019 . how are people not over all this.

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

so… any questions?

 

**delilah** @heythere 

how did u come out? 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i only really came out to bucky. my family was kind of in the dark. i don't know if i regret that or not.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

my family didn't know anything either. it was all very quiet back then. whispers and code words were the only way to survive, really.

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

<3

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

how am i the 3rd wheel even on twitter. 

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i don't wanna alarm yall but i've been having a crazy amount of spidey sense happening these past few hours and it's freaking me the hell out

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

don't??? say shit like that??? w no follow up?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i don't think anything is going to happen bc spidey sense is almost always immediate. so idk. it's really weird.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

wym??

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

ok this sounds crazy but i think im feeling things from another universe

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

BRUH WHAT ARE U SAYIN RN

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Elaborate, maybe?

 

**spidey** @spiderman

are u still in contact w dr. strange?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I just texted him your number.

 

**clarion** @urmyonly_compass

alright this isnt terrifying or anything 

 

-

 

[  **Dr. Strange** →  **spidey** ]

 

**Dr. Strange** : You can feel that?

 

**spidey** : i don't like it. what is it?

 

**Dr. Strange** : Something major happened in another universe. I'm surprised you know.

 

**spidey** : care to explain more?????

 

**Dr. Strange** : Thanos killed us, but you don't need to worry. Thanos is dead in our universe.

 

**spidey** : hu..h

**spidey** : okay . who is thanos??? what do u mean 'us'??? how is he dead?? what do u mean

 

**Dr. Strange** : Thanos was an alien trying to destroy half the population. He won in another dimension, but he is dead in ours. No need to worry. His daughters killed him.

 

**spidey** : we cant do anything?

 

**Dr. Strange** : What?

 

**spidey** : to help the other dimension?

 

**Dr. Strange** : No. They have their own path. If you still feel something later text me and I'll try to help.

 

**spidey** : ok. thank you.

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

false alarm everyone. it's ok.

 

**grace** @bb8bbg

are you okay?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i don't know 

 

-

 

[  **Tony Stark** →  **spidey** ]

 

**Tony Stark** : What's going on? Are you okay?

 

**spidey** : i guess

 

**Tony Stark** : Don't be like that. Tell me what's wrong.

 

**spidey** : i felt myself dying

 

**Tony Stark** : Okay kid this isn't cute. What are you saying.

 

**spidey** : dr. strange told me that in another universe, me and him die. and i felt it.

 

**Tony Stark** : Where are you

 

**spidey** : school

 

**Tony Stark** : You're in school? I'm coming to pick you up wait in the office for me.

 

**spidey** : ok

 

-

 

[  **spidey** →  **Dr. Strange** ]

 

**spidey** : who else died

 

**Dr. Strange** : They can deal with it.

 

**spidey** : who else died.

 

**Dr. Strange** : There isn't anything we can do. It's okay. It's not your fault or problem.

 

**spidey** : i need to do something because if im dead then what about my friends? are they okay?

**spidey** : you said thanos wiped out half the population. that's trauma to the entire world.

 

**Dr. Strange** : They will fix it. It's okay. Please calm down

 

**spidey** : sorry 

 

-

[  **Tony Stark** →  **spidey** ]

 

**Tony Stark** : Okay. I get you don't want to talk. Can you text me?

 

**spidey** :  it's just weird. bc i know it's not really us. but it is at the same time.

 

**Tony Stark** : We cant fix the universe's problems Pete.

 

**spidey** : i felt it though. i could feel my skin

 

**Tony Stark** : You want to talk about what it felt like?

 

**spidey** : it felt like i was disintegrating. not burning or anything. just my hands and arms splitting apart in a billion pieces 

 

**Tony Stark** : Did it hurt?

 

**spidey** : not for me. but for other me, i think so.

 

**Tony Stark** : What can I do to help you

 

**spidey** : so like

**spidey** : i know last time you said we weren't there yet

**spidey** : but can i hugfjjjjdh h dhhh shhfdkc

 

**spidey** : thank you

 

**Tony Stark** : How hungry are you?

 

**spidey** : very

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> endgame got me fucked up


	13. BIRDY

**GOD IS A WOMAN** @sapphireangel

i hope spidey is ok :((

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

i called him a few hours ago hes ok he just needs a little time

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

ok but are we going to die????? 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

his powers are just messing up. that's all.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

I HOPE HE FEELS WELL AGAIN SOON

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

jfc just text in all lowercase like a sane person 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

okay:)

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

oh so you listen to her but not to me? 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

sorry

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

mhm you better be

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

guys im fine it's just my powers being out of wack

 

**h** @keener 

do u want to rabb.it some movies with me and @gitc ?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

that would be really nice. thank you harley

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

yall cute 

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

im unstanning spider-man this exact second

 

**yeet** @shuri 

what did he do now

 

**h** @keener 

say he didnt want to watch hp 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

that demon

 

**h** @keener 

I KNOW

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

don't be mean to him

 

**h** @keener 

fuck all yall

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

????????????????????

 

**h** @keener 

you know what you did

 

**ned** @gitc

he said WHAT about harry potter 

 

-

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

hello all! :) thank you for giving my people a home

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

no problem! love u

 

-

 

**snake** @loki

why does everyone like thor better than me 

 

**charlotte** @brooklynbaby

You invaded New York?????

 

**snake** @loki 

and?

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

he didnt mean to, it was... what was it again?

 

**snake** @loki 

…..mind control 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

ah yes, mind control.

 

**charlotte** @brooklynbaby 

I love that ur first reaction was "and?"

 

-

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Hey @BruceBanner @THUNDER @valkyrie @STARK @STARKCEO @Hawkeye @CaptianAmerica @jbbarnes @WarMachine @spiderman Come to the kitchen 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Why

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Do it

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Ugh fine 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Guys come to the kitchen ASAP

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im- what's happening

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

oh man. what should we do?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

whip cream would work 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i wanna dunk his hand in water and see if it works

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

'If it works' You mean him pissing himself?

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

yea

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm with Wings over here

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

wings?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Because of your horse

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Why don't we leave him be?

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye 

That's no fun

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

Hey @loki can we use your weirdly large makeup collection 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

YESSSSSSS

 

**snake** @loki 

hmm.. absolutely.

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Poor Sam. He didn't even have a chance.

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman

sam: (sleeping peacefully)

 

the avengers:[ [ I'm not going to let you get the CHANCE ]](https://youtu.be/TOJbGLBZLxs)

 

-

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

i hate my life sometimes [selfie of sam with his face covered in glittery makeup and very off-center lipstick ]

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

who ever wrote birdy on my forehead is about to die i s2g this shit WONT COME OFF

 

-

 

**dan** @cottagecore

BIRDY GJSJEKSJSJD   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for short chapter lmao i havent slept since endg*me


	14. loki: me myself and i

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

My life consists of me and Tony's boyfriend forcing Tony to eat.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm doing better 

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

You are♡

 

-

 

**gimme my hat back jordan** @unclecraig

tony stark is living the bisexual dream rn 

 

**steven** @ultralightbeam

this is tony starks world we're all just living in it 

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

hey guys👋 goin back to new asguard to meet up w koa and her brothers what do yall wanna say

 

**charlotte** @brooklynbaby 

tell her that im love her

 

**yeet** @shuri 

wait wait i want to go too

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

then let's go together!!!

 

**yeet** @shuri 

( john mulaney voice ) can my girlfriend come?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

the fact that i know exactly what tone u were using…. yes of course mj can come shes one of my best friends 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

haha loser

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

you say that but i know deep down that u appreciate it

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

..

 

**yeet** @shuri 

we're on our way!

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

spider-man did not tell me that koa and all of her brothers were going to be stunning w h o a 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

its asugard ofc they're all beautiful 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

:) thank you young spider for your kind words!

 

**snake** @loki 

you know what would make this place more beautiful?

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

what would? :)

 

**snake** @loki 

a statue of me

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

let me think about it... no.

 

**snake** @loki 

you're no fun 

 

-

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

hey @loki !! i heard u wanted a statue and it isnt much but i had fun!!! [pic of a small clay figure of loki]

 

**snake** @loki 

where is your location 

 

-

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

that was so weird

 

**Nate** @NateBunbury

spill 

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

ok so.. after loki asked for my location he literally popped up right in front of me, out of thin air, and then asked for the sculpture. i handed it to him and he looked at it-

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

and then said a small "thanks" and he was just about to leave and i asked for a pic and he looked SO SURPRISED like???? 

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

and i got this picture and i told him that i love his tweets and he smiled and then disappeared again [selfie of danielle next to loki, who is holding a small clay sculpture in his hand]

 

**Nate** @NateBunbury

oh my goodness you both look so good

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

im lowkey scared of him but he was kinda sweet? but in a mean way idk

 

**Nate** @NateBunbury 

"sweet but in a mean way" ok yeah that makes… sense

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

yes. [pic of clay loki on real lokis hand]

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

whoever gave loki a figure of himself i wanna personally thank u bc he keeps it in his pocket literally everywhere and it's kinda sweet

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

i saw loki for 3 seconds total and he just said "look at this" and showed me a thing of himself and then kept walking. what the fuck.

 

-

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

loki is such a mood

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

i just met @valkyrie for the first time. shes powerful.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i like you 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I knew you two would get along!

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

hm.. maybe you were right

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

As usual

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

idk ab that one but okay

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

damn i want to see asguard :(

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im coming back on monday u wanna come with?? ill bring u!!

 

**ned** @gitc 

YES . I WANT TO MEET THOR.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

i want to meet you!

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Hey @samwilson can you teach me how to cook

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

you don't know how to? tf

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Not as good as you

 

**Falcon** @samwilson

maybe i should sabotage you for writing birdy on my head

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

That wasn't me!

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

who was it then? peter? 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Yes, actually.

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

he calls me "mr. falcon"

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

No correlation 

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

all the correlation. are you kidding? hes weirdly scared of me

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

He's scared of everyone.

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

its kind of adorable 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

It's totally adorable 

 

-

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

im being EXPOSED and i DONT like it.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

ok but did u write birdy on falcons head????

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

no that was definitely someone that im not snitching on

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

:)

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

you just played yourself

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

bucky is ab to get fucky'd 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

please never say that again 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

HDUDJDJFGFDUSU   
  



	15. my cheeks are sealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SO SHORT WE-

**klaus** @theseance 

superheroes are like music. the popular ones may be good but the lesser-known ones are sometimes better

 

**thotiana** @busdown

wbk deadpool is a KING yall pay him DUST!!

 

**luis** @xcon_sec 

ant-man is the best ever!

 

**thotiana** @busdown

wh-who is that

 

**luis** @xcon_sec

[pic of large ant-man]

 

**thotiana** @busdown

HOLY SHIT-

 

**klaus** @theseance 

i've never seen an ant man interview or anything of him but im sure hes cool too!

 

**scott** @ant_man

thank you

 

**klaus** @theseance 

oh shit is this a real acc

 

**scott** @ant_man

i don't think im popular enough for a parody account yet

 

**klaus** @theseance 

damn

 

-

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby 

wait klaus is right.. yall let's have an appreciation post for the defenders, ant-man, and every other non-avenger who saves lives on the daily w no real return 

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

especially daredevil 

 

**dp** @deadpool 

alright diego i feel that, i really do, but where are my thirst posts? someone tell me they wanna raw me already! im waiting bitch!

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

oh,,,,,, my GOD

 

-

 

**ürsla** @superbaby

jessica jones please step on me

 

**vanya** @whiteviola 

I KNOW RIGHT

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i keep seeing appreciation for non-avenger superheroes (like me!!) and it makes me really happy. these ppl have the biggest hearts i've ever seen. including deadpool 

 

**dp** @deadpool 

awwwww really???????? thank u kiddo

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

yes!! im so proud of u for not killing anyone this whole month!!!!!!

 

**dp** @deadpool 

thanks

 

-

 

**dp** @deadpool 

fuck

 

-

 

**Jim** @Gordog 

Wait. @spiderman isnt an avenger????

 

**ned** @gitc 

not officially but tony stark programs most of his suit and hes friends w all of them

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

""Friends""

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

what? :((

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

You're more like our collective adopted child

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

OH THANK GOD I GOT REALLY SAD FOR A SECOND 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

we're the same age and i still see u as Son.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

yea true

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

wh?.....??????? ok 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

When I said that you're Baby I didn't mean your young age 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

PBLEASE

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

fellas is it incest if you have the same non-blood father figure

 

**sawyer** @sawurpants

??? elaborate 

 

**h** @keener 

we both look up to the same person as a Dad but he isnt our Dad and we def don't think of each other as brothers

 

**sawyer** @sawurpants

it should be fine as long as u say no chromo just to be sure

 

**h** @keener 

eye-

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

please stop asking for ass pics. i know you want them. i know i have the ability to make them. it's not happening. my cheeks are sealed.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes

i was going to say something about that last line. im not typing anything out, but i want you all to know im holding back so hard. 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

[ This tweet is not available ] they weren't the other night

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i am so sorry

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

im going to report you in 5 minutes if you don't delete that.

 

-

 

**scott** @ant_man 

you guys ever daydream about being another person?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scott Wants to see thos Sweet American Bunz


	16. pain? oh, you mean COMEDY?

**h** @keener 

im ab to go SICKO MODE on these hoes rn

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

harley what 

 

**h** @keener 

i tweet what i want 

 

**h** @keener 

hoe

 

**best intern** @peterparker

that meme is like 2 years old

 

**h** @keener 

oh lmao IDCAM

 

**h** @keener 

IDCAM = i don't care anymore 

 

**h** @keener

im sick to my stomach im so fucking funny there's tears streaming down my face right now fjsjtjrjjrjtjjs im choking i literally cant breathe im dying fjdjgkdjfkskfk i wish i was fuck

 

**stream local natives** @gnaloseu

bro are u aight

 

**h** @keener

Yes .

 

-

 

**[ Tony Stark** →  **h ]**

 

**Tony Stark** : You really think you should be on Twitter right now?

 

**h** : i don't think i should be anywhere right now if im being honest 

 

**Tony Stark** : C'mon kiddo

 

**h** : don't call me that

 

**Tony Stark** : Sorry.

**Tony Stark** : I mean that. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

 

**h** : hey can i ask you for a favor 

 

**Tony Stark** : Shoot

 

**h** : can i stay with you

 

**Tony Stark** : You seriously asking that?

 

**h** : yeah you're right. im sorry. i did;tn mean to oversttep

 

**Tony Stark** : What?

 

**Tony Stark** : You misread my message.

**Tony Stark** : Harley. Of course you're staying with me. You will come stay here.

 

**Tony Stark** : Answer my calls?

 

**h** : im sorry for not answering 

**h** : imma be real with you cheif. i cant pick up the phone rn sorry lmaooo

 

**Tony Stark** : You don't need to answer. Just know I'm here for you.

 

**h** : yeah. i know.

**h** : we're connected <3

 

**Tony Stark** : We're connected

 

-

 

**[ spidey** →  **h** ]

 

**spidey** : hey are you alright? your last tweet was kinda worrying 

 

**h** : not really

 

**spidey** : what's wrong?:((

 

**h** : so it was abby's birthday last week and i guess i forgot to open the mail bc there was a birthday card there.

**h** : from my dad. 

 

**spidey** : isnt that a good thing?

 

**h** : no. i mean i guess, but that's not the bad part

**h** : it's not the first time he sent a card for her. i found 5 more fucking cards for her

 

**spidey** : im sorry- i don't understand? i thought he was out of your lives

 

**h** : he is, but he sends abby birthday cards. apparently he has been since she was eight and nobody told me because he doesnt send any to me

 

**spidey** : oh my god that's horrible :(( im so sorry

 

**h** : and like

**h** : i get that im a piece of shit but really? i was fucking six years old? 

 

**spidey** : you aren't a piece of shit harley omg. ur one of the smartest and kindest people i know.

 

**h** : you know like 4 people who are all better than me but okay!

**h** : idk ig im just embarrassed 

 

**spidey** : okay that first message is wrong in every way, and why are u embarrassed?? u did nothing wrong??

 

**h** : bc i got really mad and that led to my mom getting mad and THAT led to abby crying and my mom left and now im here, comforting my sister, and i don't even know why i was angry in the first place

**h** : he doesnt want anything to do with me and it hurts so why am i mad he wants to say happy birthday to my sister?

 

**spidey** : because it's not fair that he did that to you???? both leaving and sending your sister cards???? it makes sense u got mad bc u didnt do anything wrong and hes acting like you did.

 

**h** : idk

 

**spidey** : about what?

 

**h** : at this point about anything 

**h** : i think i hate him. like genuinely hate his guts.

 

**spidey** : you have good reason to

 

**h** : yeah but abby still has hope or something which is stupid because he's never coming back as long as im around

 

**spidey** : uh. what do you mean

 

**h** : im going to stay with tony. so if my dad comes back i

**h** : so if my "dad" comes back i wont kill him

 

**spidey** : you're coming to new york?

 

**h** : yeah

 

**spidey** : we can meet!!!!!!!

 

**h** : what

**h** : oh WHAT

**h** : I FORGOT ABOUT THAT OGDH

**h** : THAT CHEERED ME UP SO MUCH

 

**spidey** : :,)

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

i lived bitch

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

oh my god

 

**h** @keener 

thank u for being there pete….. love u fam

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

oh my God

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You're going to kill him if you keep it up, Harley.

 

**h** @keener 

good he can die

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

stop im goign to cry

 

**h** @keener 

that's what you get for being so nice to me 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

But Harley, that's my emotional support intern. Don't kill him.

 

**h** @keener

i thought i was your emotional support

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You are my emotional support but you're not an intern so it's different.

 

**h** @keener 

you're different 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Man, you gotta work on your roasts.

 

**h** @keener 

i'm sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

My ego?

 

**h** @keener 

your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom manufacturer

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Okay damn.

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

being a bitch is a tough job but someone has to do it.

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

harley is such a mf mood


	17. met gala

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> listen i have a clear idea in my head but i didnt know how to twitter language type what they were wearing so if it seems confusing I'm Sorry

**scott** @ant_man 

i am so charming. my power!

 

**harmony** @sendnudesplx

do you want to tell us the inspiration behind this tweet?

 

**scott** @ant_man 

just remembering when my parole officer asked me on a date 

 

**harmony** @sendnudesplx 

YOUR WHAT ASKED YOU WHAT

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I'm going to the met gala and I'm bringing spider-man, who is bringing Shuri. This isn't allowed. I've been on the phone for 3 hours.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I had to explain what camp meant to Bucky and Steve 5 times now. Send Help.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You're all going to lose your minds when you see what these two have on.

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

biiiiitch… I look so good

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

YOU DO. YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD TOO AND IM LESBIAN

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

THANK YOU MISS SHURI

 

**val** @mysweetvalintine

i love supportive besties!!!!

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

MY @ HAS NEVER BEEN MORE ACCURATE 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

TONY STARK REALLY WORE A PINK SUIT WIYH A FLUFFY BLACK JACKET, YELLOW SUNGLASSES, AND A GLITTERY BLACK TIE. JAMES CHARLES TAKE NOTES!!!!!!

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

Dat Azzz Doe 👀 [zoomed-in image of Tony Stark's ass in pink pants]

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

guys. his shoes are yellow. this outfit owns me. i will never change my icon again after this.

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

WHAT THE FUCK SPIDEY LOOKS HOT AS FUCK TOO WE-

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

WHAT'S SHURI AND HIM WEARING MY SCHOOL WIFI IS SHIT

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

SPIDEY IS WEARING 3 INCH BLACK HIGH HEELS, OVERSIZED NAVY BLUE DRESS PANTS WITH A MUSTARD YELLOW FABRIC BELT, AND A BUTTON UP BLACK SHIRT THAT HAS THE SAME YELLOW BUTTONS BUT IT TURNS INTO THIS LACY FABRIC LIKE MID-CHEST

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn

CAN YOU SEE HIS SKIN????

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

NO JE HAS THE SPIDER SUIT UNDERNEATH BUT IT STILL LOOKS SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

OK WHAT ABOUT SHURI

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

SHURI LOOKS SO GOOD OG MY GOD

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut

SHES WEARING THIS GOLD- DRESS THAT WRAPS AROUND HER (KINDA LIKE A INDIAN SAREE? BUT W LESS DRAPEYNESS ) BUT IT TILTS UP SO U CAN SEE HER CALVES BUT THE TRAIL IS LIKE . 12 INCHES LONG AND HER MAKEUP IS SO BEAUTIFUL SHE HAS THESE STUNNING WHITE DOTS ON AROUND HER EYES-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

SHES ABSOLUTELY STUNNING SHE HAS THIS PURPLE BELT AND CHOKER W THE SUN IN THE MIDDLE AND HER EYE MAKEUP IS SOOO FUCKING PRETTY AND HER SHOES!!!!! HER MF SHOES!!!! THEYRE THESE HEELED LACE UP BOOTS THAT ARE GOLDEN W PURPLE LACES AND HER HAIR IS LIKE A BRAIDED PRINCESS LEIA WITH THESE BEADS AND HER NECKLACE IS BEADED BUT SO BEAUTIFUL 

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

I CANT WAIT TO GO HOME TO SEE HER IT SOUNDS AMAZKGN

 

-

 

**jaimey** @fleetwoodgrl

spider-man, tony stark, & shuri stans how we feelin 2night

 

**spidey stan** @whtvr.a.spidey.stan

we all have the same icons now im getting so confused lmao--

 

**maxine** @sweetbirthdaybaby 

tony stark is serving sugar daddy realness 

 

**jaimey** @fleetwoodgrl

isnt he always though?

 

-

 

**dp** @deadpool 

just know if i see anyone over the age of 18 saying anything sexual about my spider-man and shuri i wont hesitate, bitch.

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

hesitate to do what???

 

**dp** @deadpool

why? you wanna find out?

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

no

 

**dp** @deadpool 

exactly.

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

I'm glad you're all enjoying my fiance's ass!

 

**delilah** @heythere 

PEPPER FHSJFJAJJSSJFHSJFJ-

 

-

 

**scott** @ant_man 

if i was going to the met gala i would ride in on an ant and that's why i wasnt invited.

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i still don't fully understand what camp means but everyone looks great!

 

-

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

why the fuck is spidey wearing heels

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

why not?

 

**Falcon** @samwilson

you know what? for once in your life, you're right.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

thanks?

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

don't thank me I'm still planning my revenge for that birdy stunt you pulled.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

Fuck


	18. oh worm?

**h** @keener

oh … . fuck

 

 **h** @keener

holy shit-

 

 **h** @keener

im not gunna make it. i swear on jah

 

 **h** @keener

yall …

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

what are you talking about

 

 **h** @keener

YOU LOOK HOT AS HELL

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

FHSJFJDJFJ IS THAT REALLY WHAT UR GOIN ON ABOUT

 

 **h** @keener

I WAKE UP AND CHECK TWT AND YOURE EVERYWHERE WEARING HIGH HEELS AND LACE HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING TO AFFECT ME PERSONALLY

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

ESTSHUT UP OHMY GOD,,,,,,

 

 **h** @keener

im fuming right now im so angry

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

WHST WHY????

 

 **h** @keener

because i KNOW you don't think ur hot and it makes me so MAD .

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

PKLEASE

 

 **h** @keener

bro when i meet u. bro. i will take so many pictures. bc u r so beautiful. ur face is *italian kiss* MWAH… perfecto

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

SSFMF STOP ONGHG--

 

-

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

im a genius

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

and now we wait…

 

-

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

i hate sam and only sam

 

-

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

IT WORKED

 

 **hailey** @mrsjacksn

what did u do omg

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

i made realistic jelly worms from bendy straws and put one in bucky's soup

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

IT WASNT A REAL WORM?????

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

NO IT WASNT A REAL WORM

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

THANK GOD

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

hey. hey buck. check ur room window

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

THAT'S TERRIFYING

 

 **ophelia** @heavenly

EXPLAIN

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

[image of a cardboard cut-out of sam as the falcon giving a thumbs-up taped against a window]

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

that would give me a heart attack

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

haha you're old

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

i cant wait for the day that you look older than me and then i can make fun of you

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

WOW.

 

-

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

phantom pains are EXTRA weird when you have a metal arm

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

I know right? I keep going to scratch my leg and getting weirded out when I don't feel anything

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

e x a c t l y. that shit is so freaky what even causes that?

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

Doctors thought it was a psychological problem, but now people realize that these sensations are real and originate in the spinal cord and brain.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

so when i feel the need to crack my elbow it's a real feeling?? woah

 

 **gallagher** @gallagalaxy

can someone explain what phantom pain is??

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

its pain that feels like it's coming from a body part that's no longer there. So for me it's my legs, for Bucky it's his arm.

 

 **gallagher** @gallagalaxy

i didnt even know yall lost those limbs :O

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

what did you think my metal arm was?

 

 **gallagher** @gallagalaxy

idk i thought it was like iron man's suit for fighting

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

???????????

 

 **gallagher** @gallagalaxy

IM SO STUPDI SORRY

 

-

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

wow shuri looks amazing

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

i got a new wallpaper now

 

 **yeet** @shuri

uwu? spare some uwu? ma'am?

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

…..

 

 **ned** @gitc

oh my god is she going to say it

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

there's no way. absolutely no way.

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

………

 

 **ned** @gitc

holy shit i think shes going to do it

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

this is such big news if this happens

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

…………….. uwu

 

 **yeet** @shuri

SHE SAID IT

 

 **ned** @gitc

HOLY SHI-

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

THSIA WILD

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

that's goals <3

 

-

 

 **jake** @bibibi9

we still have no idea who tf black widows gf is

 

 **yaz** @hottubtimemachine2

oh wait you're right

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Do you really want to know that badly?

 

 **jake** @bibibi9

YES?

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

@valkyrie

 

 **brunnhilde** @valkyrie

it's me. im her gf.

 

 **jake** @bibibi9

thank u for telling me this. i can sleep peacefully

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

I hate sharing things about my personal life.

 

 **jake** @bibibi9

oh damn!!!! im sorry if u felt pressured into telling!!

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

It's okay, man. This is actually a pretty good segway.

 

-

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

While we're talking about my personal life, @STARKCEO and I have been working with HAART on a project to help fight against human trafficking for a several months now. You can donate to help here: [ _The Black Widow Project_ ]

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

This project has taken a long time. Our primary mission is to provide employment and economic empowerment to victims of all types of human trafficking and spreading awareness as well as identifying the indicators of human trafficking and assist victims.

 

 **ELAINA** @starkslut

oh shit this is legit hell yeah

 

-

 

 **dev** @devinitely

bro the avengers really be saving lives in all types of different ways huh? they really just wanna help make the world a better place. go donate to the black widow project.

 

-

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

please go donate to #TheBlackWidowProject [ _here_ ]

 

-

 

 **xenon** @xeomono

guys #TheBlackWidowProject is number 1 worldwide and has already raised over a thousand dollars.. maybe the world isnt so bad after all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so the black widow project is not real, but if yall wanna donate to protect the real black widows out there u can here:  
> https://www.stopthetraffik.org/donate/


	19. the call-out of the century

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is almost 1000 words oops-

**h** @keener 

*on my way by phil collins playing in the background*

 

**h** @keener 

brother bear stays the best disney movie

 

**best intern** @peterparker

is this your way of saying you're coming to ny rn?

 

**h** @keener 

yes

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

holy shit!!!!!!!!

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

things i am not prepared for: harley and spidey flirting irl

 

**ned** @gitc 

spideys going to be such a mess

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

hes going to turn as red as his mask watch it happen

 

**ned** @gitc 

i mean.. like you were any better around shuri

 

**yeet** @shuri 

the difference is that me and mj were flirting with each other. all of us collectively know that spidey will just blush and smile a bunch.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

shes right. poor dude has 0 game.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

you don't know that!!!!!!!! i could be smooth if i wanted to

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

dude. the only thing "smooth" about you is when you're swinging on your webs. 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

which is very smooth and im proud of that!

 

**ned** @gitc 

you stepped on a lego yesterday and jumped like a cat and got stuck to the roof of my room.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

seriously ned??? that was between us!!!

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

one time you walked into my kitchen counter. and then apologized. to the counter.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

You threw a bag of money out of a bank window once to get it away from the robbers. 

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

you choked on a handful of popcorn when i met you for the second time. you were choking for a solid 10 seconds.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

you called me a robot and then started crying because of how much you were apologizing 

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

Remember that time when you mixed up "thank you" and "no problem" so you somehow came up with "you're a problem" 

 

**spidey** @spiderman

what did i do to deserve this

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

When we first really met I had an conversation with everyone (which you could've spoken in but chose to gawk at everyone instead) and, as I was leaving, I heard you go 'h...hi'. It was sweet. But no. I can't imagine spider-man smooth talking anyone soon.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

you know i was really hoping that you just….. didnt hear that

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I hear everything 

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

you know what? no. im going to expose the avengers. NOBODY IS SAFE!

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

What do you even have on us, kid?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

tony stark buys 5 pizzas but he tells everyone he buys 4 so he can have one all to himself.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Wow.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

rhodey spends a strange amount of time just standing around. he won't be doing anything. he'll just be… standing there.

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine

I'm appreciative of my ability to stand, okay?

 

**spidey** @spiderman

oh damn now i feel bad

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

You should.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

anyway. sam wilson will laugh at random times because he thought of something funny and then will race out to the living room to find the nearest person to tell the joke to.

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

don't even act like my jokes aren't amazing.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

oh they're hilarious! it's just funny bc you don't even Try to hide the fact that you'll start up a conversation just to tell a joke.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

natasha romanoff loves animals. specifically meerkats and deer.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

How do you know that?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

pepper potts wakes up early so she can watch the dodo videos on youtube

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

You only know this because your sleep schedule is so messed up. Don't think I don't know.

 

**spidey** @spiderman

shuri feels like she should fix everything wrong in the world and it's Not Good For Her

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Didn't you want to enter a different dimension to help a few days ago?

 

**spidey** @spiderman

it's different for me

 

**yeet** @shuri 

LITERALLY HOW

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im spider-man 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

and? im shuri.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

again, moving ON, bucky barnes is really cryptic and will say random russian words and then his eyes will glaze over and he'll watch music videos until he starts talking again

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i don't know how you want me to respond to this.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

thor acts dumb to get people to do stuff for him

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I realized this when he started talking about wormholes. There's no way you know this stuff and then not know how to do the dishes. 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

wormholes are space. i have a lot of experience with that. 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Sure…

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

clint barton has a weird obsession with candles. he buys so many. they all smell amazing.

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye 

That's barely a call-out.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

you spend around $50 on candles every month. The avengers tower is so big nobody notices all of the candles but me bc of my Super Smell.

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye 

Okay okay that's enough 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

bruce banner is secretly a cuddle bug 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

How???

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im quiet and yall sleep on the couch

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Dang.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

okay who else is there

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Wanda, Vision, Harley, T'challa, Ant-Man, and Steve.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

vision fakes not being able to cook and wanda knows this, but she teaches him anyway bc shes so bored.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

t'challa knows a lot of memes but pretends he doesnt to make shuri pissed off

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

steve rogers hates that his name is captain america

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

ant-man is the one shining light in this dark world

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

and harley plays around but he really looks up to mr. stark

 

**h** @keener 

jesus chr

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

oh… 

 

**yeet** @shuri

t'challa does WHAT NOW

 

**T'challa** @BlackPanther

anna ou-

 

**yeet** @shuri

are you KIDDING ME


	20. its clownin hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20 chapters!!!!! wow!!!

[ **h** → **spidey** ]

 

 **h** : im here

 

 **spidey** : WHAT

 

 **h** : im here

 

 **spidey** : IN NY????

 

 **h** : peter. im here. im literally with tony at ur school. were in happys car

 

 **spidey** : OFHHRHMY GODDDHDH IM LOSITN MY MIND

 

 **spidey** : OKAY I ASKED MY TEACHER TO USE THE BATHROOM AN IM JUST GOIGN TO SKIP THE RES TOF THIS CLASS

 

 **h** : oo hes a bad boy

 

 **spidey** : IM RUNNGIN

 

 **h** : dhsadhajfh??????? was that YOU??$?#&#&#&

 

 **spidey** : DID YOU SEE ME

 

 **h** : YEAH THROUGH THE WINDOW FHSJT

 

 **h** : YOURE SO FAST

 

 **spidey** : im YEETING

 

 **h** : oh my god slow down

  
  


**h** : hi

 

 **spidey** : im sitting right next to you

 **spidey** : this is so surreal. i cant believe i just texted that to u

 

 **h** : i just wanted to text bc i cant say this in front if tony but

 

 **spidey** : omg

 

 **h** : you're so fuckign HOT AND CUTE

 

 **spidey** : OFHSJQJANRJQJRJ????

 

 **h** : STOP LAUGHING TONY'LL CATCH ON

 

 **spidey** : I MEAN,,, YOU TOO

 

 **h** : im not laughing wym

 

 **spidey** : no i mean like. you're cute too

 

 **h** : and hot?

 

 **spidey:** yeah that too

 **spidey** : are you blushing rn?

 

 **h** : LIKE YOU ARENT

 

 **spidey** : ok we gotta stop bc if mr. stark asks me why im red i will fall off the face of the earth

 

 **h** : do you see him staring at us through the sun blocker mirror thingy

 

 **spidey** : fjsjdj that's one way to call it but yeah omg …. im scared

 

 **h** : wait.

 **h** : i have an idea

 

 **spidey** : oh no. please tell me.

 

 **h** : let's fuck w tony

 

 **spidey** : okay okay okay what's ur plan

 

 **h** : let's make him think that we're secretly dating

 

 **spidey** : I MEAN IM NOT SAYINT NO BUT,,,,, WHY.??

 

 **h** : because it'll drive him crazy?? can u imagine.

 **h** : what do you say?

 

 **spidey** : i say… yes

 

 **h** : FUCK YEAH

 

-

 

[ **spidey** → **ned** ]

 

 **spidey** : [screenshot of harley and his conversation]

 **spidey** : oh my FUCKING GOD?

 

 **ned** : why are all my friends living in fan fiction tropes

 

 **spidey** : ok but im losing my mind right

 **spidey** : this cant be real

 **spidey** : this is my life?????

 

 **ned** : yeah i guess so man

 

 **spidey** : ned you don't understand

 **spidey** : his bde is crazy . i know he was confident and stuff during texts and voice call but

 **spidey** : he literally did a lean and tilted his head all cocky while talking to me

 

 **ned** : tilted his head all what now?

 

 **spidey** : shut up oh myhfjs

 

 **ned** : i think he likes you back tbh

 

 **spidey** : SHUT UPPPPPP im CLOWNIN

 

 **ned** : at this point you need to prove that he doesnt like you back

 

 **spidey** : NEDDDDDDD

 

 **ned** : DID I LIE? DID I FUCKING LIEEEE?

 

 **spidey** : IFAHROAJSJAJDJAJDJSJFHAJDH

 **spidey** : I STARTED STUTTERING MY WORDS AND HE STARTED LAUGHING AND I JUST BLURTED OUT "are you laughing at me?" AND HE SAYS IN TBE MOST SINCERE VOICE "never" IM SO SOFRTTTT HE SMILED AT ME

 

 **ned** : are you a gay or something?

 

 **spidey** : im so FUCKING gay

 **spidey** : well bi but . Homosexuality

 

 **ned** : yknow w u 2 "fake" dating . u probably will end up kissing at some point

 

 **spidey** : i will jump out of this car window and strangle you with my web

 

 **ned** : okay jesus

 

 **spidey** : IM SORRY-

 

 **ned** : drink sum water or somthin dam😳

 

 **spidey** : it's clown hours .

 

-

 

[ **Tony Stark** → **Pepper Potts** , **Rhodey** ]

 

 **Tony** : Guys. Help

 

 **Pepper** : What's wrong? Is everything okay?

 

 **Tony** : Harley is laying it on thick and Peter is smiling a bunch. I hate this

 

 **Pepper** : Elaborate

 

 **Tony** : They're flirting. In front of me

 

 **Pepper** : What kind of stuff are they saying?

 

 **Tony** : They're texting and chatting a little and Harley keeps winking and Pete started stuttering

 **Tony** : I mean it's cute but I don't like it

 

 **Rhodey** : Are you seriously texting us because your 2 adopted sons are… Flirting?

 

 **Tony** : The absolute gaul on you. I have never adopted anyone

 

 **Rhodey** : Mhm. Legally, sure.

 

 **Pepper** : I'm down.

 

 **Tony** : What?

 

 **Pepper** : I would adopt Peter or/and Harley. Just saying.

 

 **Tony** : WHAT

 

 **Rhodey** : This seems like an in-person conversation

 

 **Pepper** : Agreed.

 

 **Tony** : I love you both so much but you guys are DOWNERS!

 

 **Pepper** : Is that why you hang out with teenagers?

 

 **Tony** : I am their MENTOR, thank you very much

 **Tony** : speaking of which, they keep staring at each other and then texting one another. I've been glaring at them to stop for like 30 mins and it's not working

 

 **Rhodey** : This is so stupid. Does it bother you that they're together or that they're not together?

 **Rhodey** : Or does it bother you that you don't know?

 

 **Tony** : Uhhhhhhghg

 

 **Pepper** : Bingo!

 

 **Tony** : You both know me too well.

 

 **Rhodey** : What are you even planning with this, anyway? Are you thinking of adopting Harley?

 

 **Tony** : He just needs a home away from home right now.

 

 **Pepper** : Tony…

 

 **Tony** : What

 

 **Pepper** : I love you so much. I love your heart and your brilliant mind. But you need to realize that Harley's been on his own for most of his life. His mother was working constantly, his father wasn't around. He practically raised his sister.

 

 **Tony** : I liked the first 2 sentences!

 

 **Pepper** : With him coming here and really having a home and a place to rest, with a loving father and friends that he likes.

 **Pepper** : He's not going to want to leave it.

 

 **Rhodey** : If we're really being honest, you fell in love with that kid in the span of what? 4 days? After a week passes with seeing him every day you won't want him to leave either.

 

 **Tony** : I came out to complain and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now

 

 **Pepper** : For fucks sake

 

 **Tony** : Okay okay Jeez. I don't know.

 **Tony** : He still has a mother and a sister and if I think about this, then that's basically stealing

 

 **Rhodey** : Mhm. Sure.

 

 **Pepper** : That's not…

 **Pepper** : We'll finish this conversation a week from now when you want to adopt him.

 

-

 

[ **h** → **spidey** ]

 

 **h** : is tony crying


	21. cap the sap

**ned** @gitc

ya boy is 5th wheeling but it's all my best friends

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Now you know how I feel when I'm with @STARK @STARKCEO and @WarMachine

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

How is it 5th wheeling when all three of us are dating?

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

+Thor and Bruce.

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

Come on, we're not that obvious

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

How can you say that when just last night I asked you to pass the salt and you responded with "I'm too busy holding Pepper" and then lifted your hands to show you were holding both Rhodey and Peppers hands

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

I have 2 hands for a reason.

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Grow a third one so you can pass me salt sometime.

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

I don't remember that?

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

You we're sleeping on his shoulder.

 

 **ned** @gitc

omg this is so cute

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

Thor and I aren't obvious either!

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

@peterparker Post the video

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

??

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

[the avengers all sitting around a table eating loudly, in the corner thor and bruce sitting next to each other. bruce wipes thor's mouth with a napkin, then they kiss bruce's cheek with a smile. the camera flips and shows peter fake-crying out of cuteness]

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

I didn't see you take that!

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

point is you're all obvious and its adorable.

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

also ned shut up and watch the movie you're not fifth wheeling

 

 **ned** @gitc

idk man………

 

 **h** @keener

there's 6 people here and 2 of them aren't holding someone's hands

 

 **ned** @gitc

shut up harley you're holding spidey's hands

 

 **ned** @gitc

i see what ur doing and i hate you

 

 **ELAINA** @starkslut

THAT VIDEO OF BRUCE AND THORR OG H MY GOD

 

 **do u** @rmbrwltr

HARLEY AND SPIDEY ARE HOLDING HANDS I REPEAT SPIDEY AND HARLEY ARE HOLDING HANDS

 

-

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

Hm.

 

-

 

 **dirk** @agentgently

Unfollow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be the Only Thing I Tweet About For The Next Week. I've Wanted This For Years. What the Fuck. [screenshot of thor kissing bruce's cheek]

 

-

 

 **snake** @loki

hello everyone. my house is getting filled with wonderful art of me and i need somewhere to put it where it can be fully seen. thor said no to opening a museum, so i made a petition [ _here_ ]

 

 **THOR** @THUNDER

how did you already get 1000 people to sign? is this one of your tricks?

 

 **snake** @loki

no tricks. the people just love me.

 

 **brunnhilde** @valkyrie

i kind of want to see it happen, to be honest.

 

 **THOR** @THUNDER

how could you betray me like this.

 

 **brunnhilde** @valkyrie

pretty easily

 

 **delilah** @heythere

wow val comin thru w the burns today damn!

 

 **jake** @bibibi9

i love the idea of a museum of only drawings of loki.

 

 **snake** @loki

maybe humans do have some scrap of common sense.

 

-

 

 **dp** @deadpool

met the amazing @daredevil today. we should make us Team Red! right @spiderman ?

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

do you think you'd be able to not kill anyone?

 

 **dp** @deadpool

yes!

 

 **dd** @daredevil

Why the name team red?

 

 **dp** @deadpool

because we all have red suits, duh!

 

 **dd** @daredevil

Right... I definitely knew that.

 

 **dp** @deadpool

okay..

 

-

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

STEVE.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

im so.. i cant believe this.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

STEVEN ROGERS @CaptainAmerica

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

WHAT

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

i found your sketchbooks bicht

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

shit what did you find

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

you drew me???? when you got out of the ice???

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

no i definitely did not

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

you date your drawings. that is definitely a drawing of me.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

please you absolute SAP

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

im the sap??? me????

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

Cap the Sap.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

stop you'll start a hashtag

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

#capthesap is now trending. i hate you.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

the poem next to my drawing says otherwise

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

stop exposing me like this

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

Bucky's crying, just so you know.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

WHOS THE SAP NOW.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

cap the sap? more like baby barnes

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

cap the sap is still the only one trending

 

 **ophelia** @heavenly

soooo are we going to sit around and wait for the drawing to be posted orrrr

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

i don't mind!

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

🥰

[image of a well-drawn portrait of bucky]

 

 **ophelia** @heavenly

WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S SO GOOD

 

 **duffie** @leitner

i don't know what skill level i was expecting but that is AMAZIGN

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

Stevie's been an artist for years!

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

am i an artist if none of my art was sold?

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

Yes.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

then i guess i have :)


	22. mr longey

**spidey** @spiderman 

hey @STARK are you busy rn

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Not exactly? What's up?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

so there was this guy with a glowy knife and he stabbed me a few days ago with it and it's not healing should i come over

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

WHAT

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

YES YOU SHOULD COME OVER

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Jesus I feel like I'm having a heart attack 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

YOU WERE STABBED??????????

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

LIGHTLY…. STABBED

 

**ned** @gitc 

I SAW YOU YESTERDAY AND YOU JUST HAD AN OPEN WOUND????

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

it wasnt open jfc im not a complete idiot

 

**h** @keener 

if you weren't a complete idiot you wouldnt have gotten stabbed in the first place 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I second that. 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

I BREATHED.

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Update: Spiderling is okay. Everything is under control.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

sounds like someone would say when things are not under control 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Physically everything is fine.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut

irondad feels 

 

**jaime** @romanholiday

PH WAIT THAT MADE ME SO SOFT

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

tony stark went from badass sugar daddy to loving dad that has a billion dollars 

 

**h** @keener 

i never want to read the word "sugar daddy" when referring to tony ever again 

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

hey @spiderman i know ur still healing but can i get a favor 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

.. yeah what is it

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

swing over i have everything set up

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

aight

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

why 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

you cant say no bc i was there when u helped ur guardian and u were weirdly good 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

what can i say? i watch a lot of youtube beauty gurus (the good ones.)

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

my hair is now dyed red and it looks sick as fuck.

 

**yeet** @shuri 

im love you

 

-

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

How to breathe when your partner Looks Like That? Send tweet.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Rt ×2

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Rt

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

says you

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Says you!

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I choked on my ramen when they walked in.

 

**Falcon** @samwilson 

It's true i just watched him do it

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

oh no! :( you choked because of me? why?

 

**snake** @loki 

sigh.

 

**Clint** @Hawkeye 

When Bruce saw Thor's arms for the first time he nearly passed out 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

?????? (!!!!!)

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

who's going to tell them

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

bruce thinks thor is so pretty he chokes on his noodles.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Ramen. But. Yeah basically.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

how sweet.. i find myself in awe of bruce's wonderful mind so it is mutual 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

he is also very pretty

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Weren't we talking about obviousness a few days ago?

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

No comment.

 

-

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

was anyone going to tell me that the pinta island tortoise went extinct in 2012 or was i supposed to read that on google myself?

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MR LONGEY

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

I KNOW… MR LONGEY

 

**gallo** @tgawlocg 

whos mr longey 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

mr longey was a pinta island tortoise plushie stevie made in sewing class and gave him to me as a birthday gift

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i wonder if that little fella ever made it somehow 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

that little fella definitely never made it. i took him with me when i went off to war. the whole prisoner thing happened and i kinda lost all my possessions

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

lost a little more than just your stuff but yeah

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

why don't i just…. make you a new one?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

because i would probably break down and marry you all over again

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

you cheeseball 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

#CapTheSap

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

NOT AGAIN

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

HOW IS IT TRENDING AGAIN???????

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

that was cute and all but holy shit so many animals are going extinct 

 

**ned** @gitc 

i would die for every animal. reptiles and insects deserve all the rights. mammals i love you but humans are mammals so ur on thin fucking ice.

 

**Scott** @ant_man 

i felt that.

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

what about birds?

 

**ned** @gitc 

birds used to be dinosaurs and dinosaurs are reptiles. therefore birds = reptiles.

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

that tweet just gave me whiplash holy shit

 

**Scott** @ant_man 

i feel like my third eye is crowning

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Scott, I think you're an amazing person, but what the genuine fuck.

 

**Scott** @ant_man

you think im amazing?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

That's not what I was– okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who was the man with the glowy knife? will we ever find out? for this time, this case is: (ryan bergara voice) unsolved


	23. sly fucking cowboy

**spidey** @spiderman

physical pain sucks and all but nothing can ever compare to the pain i feel psychologically

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

Are you? okay? do you want help?

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

This might be one of the most worrisome things I've read today

 

-

 

 **ava** @medic.medic

dude. spider-man doesnt get a break.

 

 **dp** @deadpool

if only you guys knew the half of it .

 

 **ava** @medic.medic

stop i don't want to think ab it :((

 

 **ava** @medic.medic

wait holy shit that was deadpool

 

 **jack** @squirrelstan

that means he probably knows the half of it im Sad

 

 **ava** @medic.medic

AAAAAAAA

  


-

 

 **ELAINA** @starkslut

i love how protective tony is of spidey 🥺🥺

 

-

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

мой муж гуще миски овсянки

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

Ты понимаешь, что люди могут перевести это?

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

Мне действительно все равно на данный момент

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

can someone translate this convo please

 

 **vanya** @whiteviola

do you really want to know what it says?

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

i….. am unsure?

 

 **THOR** @THUNDER

what does thick mean in that context?

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

i don't want to know.

 

-

 

 **Scott** @ant_man

google translate is a blessing and a curse. mostly a blessing.

 

-

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

How Many Ways Can I Say "I love you" While Still Being Emotionally Detached — An Autobiography by Tony Stark

 

 **h** @keener

this dude is perfectly fine with helping me, in almost every aspect, but when i begin to say "i lo-" he has an aneurysm. what?????

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

Tony is one of the most loving people I've ever met, but he Can't Handle It.

 

 **h** @keener

he really cant

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

Okay 1) how dare you.

2) how … dare you???????

 

 **h** @keener

tony u have 2 brain cells. one can do everything and the other just sits there thinkin ab poptarts all day.

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

Proof?

 

 **h** @keener

look in the mirror there that's proof

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

You have 1 brain cell and it's just a loop of spiderling. Don't think I don't know.

 

 **h** @keener

MAYBE SO.

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

Jesus Christ

 

-

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

i am thankful for many things in my life. number one is that happy doesn't have twitter.

 

 **leigh** @terrydakdoll

idk if this is supposed to be poetic or you know someone named happy

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

happy hogan!!!! hogan happy!!!

 

 **leigh** @terrydakdoll

cute!

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

That would be hilarious— he would HATE it

 

 **Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO

I can't stop laughing. He'd lose his mind.

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

[video of pepper sitting on a couch, phone clutched in hand, doubled over, laughing her absolute ass off.]

 

 **spidey** @spiderman

THE WHEEZE FISJFJSJFJDJF

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

dude i fucking love pepper potts so much

 

 **Tony Stark** @STARK

rt

 

 **Rhodey** @WarMachine

rt

 

 **Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

rt

 

 **Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner

rt

 

 **THOR** @THUNDER

rt

 

 **brunnhilde** @valkyrie

rt

 

 **Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica

rt

 

 **Falcon** @samwilson

rt

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

rt

 

 **Clint** @Hawkeye  

rt

 

 **NF** @FURY

rt

 

 **yeet** @shuri

rt

 

-

 

 **rayne** @tonystarklovebot

finally pepper is getting the love and attention she deserves

 

 **eric loves spidey** @web.bheadz

every interview w her in it is always such a joy. She's the boss baby.

 

 **greyson** @lgbitch

BOSS BABY?????????

 

-

 

 **yeet** @shuri

hangin out w sum goats… the kids miss u @jbbarnes

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

tell anwa i miss her and give her extra grass for me

 

 **yeet** @shuri

sure i will definitely tell anwa the goat that the white wolf misses her

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

thank you

 

 **yeet** @shuri

also the actual kids miss u too

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

Meh

 

 **yeet** @shuri

WOW

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

IM KIDDING!!!! tell them i miss them too

 

 **T'challa** @blackpanther

You know you can always visit the children. I don't know why, but they like you very much.

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

hurts.

 

 **T'challa** @blackpanther

You're a good storyteller

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

thank you king

 

 **yeet** @shuri

bring mj with you if u decide to visit!!!

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

i just realized ive never really met mj

 

 **mj** @lesbianmessiah

i saw u once in my life and you just smiled at me and waved

 

 **Bucky** @jbbarnes

id like to talk to you sometime!

 

-

 

 **ned** @gitc

harley just obliterated tony stark holy moly

 

 **best intern** @peterparker

MY JAW DROPPED

 

 **yaz** @bonboyaj

what did he say

 

 **ned** @gitc

pepper was talking about what tony was like when they first met and tony goes "i was such a dog." harley goes "youre basically still a dog". they get into a little argument, it's kinda sweet, and then harley leans back in his chair and interrupts tony mid-speech

 

 **ned** @gitc

this sly fucking cowboy goes "if i threw a stick, you’d leave, right?" . dead silence.

 

 **diana** @sapp1re

SYFYDYTADGHDGHHFGFJKDFDGEAGAVHDCHRXTTCYDCRUSYDUFGIXT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translation::
> 
> Bucky @jbbarnes  
> my husband is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal
> 
>  
> 
> Natasha @BLACKWIDOW  
> Do you understand that people can translate this?
> 
>  
> 
> Bucky @jbbarnes  
> i really don't care at the moment.


	24. so confused and sooo high

**h** @keener 

so . bruce wanted to help spidey with the pain and so he found out that it takes a heap of meds to even begin to work, and w his metabolism it's gone in like. a second.

 

**h** @keener 

so what he concluded to was, if 15 tylenol lasts 2 mins, we should use an anaesthetic because of his heightened senses and it's a stronger medication.

 

**h** @keener 

we assumed that a low dosage wouldn't work, so we went for a medium-high dose. keep in mind that when i say "low dosage", i mean getting ur wisdom teeth out amount. 

 

**h** @keener 

our calculations… were off… to say the least

 

**tara** @fucktino

uh oh

 

**h** @keener 

if he wasn't spider-man he'd probably be in a coma. but instead he's so incredibly high. it's kind of hilarious. he keeps kissing peoples foreheads and then calling them beautiful. thor walked in and he climbed on his shoulders and cried.

 

**joanie** @roseland 

pics or it didn't happen 

 

**h** @keener 

oh boy. one sec ill record it since he just put his mask on and started singing tainted love but every time the DUN DUN happens he slaps the couch.

 

**h** @keener 

[ a shaky video of spider-man laying limply on a couch, hes trying his best at singing  _ stacy's mom _ , but it's not good. 

 

"what're you up to?" harley asks behind the camera. the masked face turns to him slowly, raising a suspecting finger at the boy.

 

"have you ever, like, lifted something heavy before?" he whispered, as if it was a secret, eyes huge.

 

there was a small laughter from harley "yea, i think i have." 

 

"woah," he said breathlessly "i could lift yo—"

 

"absolutely not." 

 

the video ends with a high-pitched yelp, harley, being lifted into the air. ]

 

**natalia** @assistantassasin

IS HE CARRTING YOU RIGHT NOW 

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

HFAJJFJAJFJA

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

[ a video that begins with bruce's smiling face before he flips the camera to show spider-man with harley slung over his shoulder, who is yelling.

 

"oh my god, put me down! i swear on my yeezes i will kill you! put me down!" harley says through a choked laugh as spidey marches in a circle, belting out  _ hurricane  _ by bridgit mendler ]

 

**jake** @bibibi9

HE SAID HE SWORE ON HIS YEEZES AS HE WAS WEARING SKETCHERS

 

**h** @keener 

BICHT LEAVE ME ALONE

 

-

 

**she got them $100 bills** @sheaintgotnone

spidey was right when he said harleys voice was nice but i was not expecting spidey to sound so mf cute

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

da black jeans or da black jeans for today

 

**snake** @loki 

da black turtleneck or da black button up for today

 

**snake** @loki 

da horns for today? no, im feeling a little tired

 

**snake** @loki 

i miss my days as a whore

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask.

 

**snake** @loki 

youre supposed to say "youll always be a whore in my heart!" to make me feel better

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I'm not saying that 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

you'll always be a whore in my heart.

 

**snake** @loki 

see? i instantly feel better. 

 

**snake** @loki 

and its more meaningful coming from the valkyrie 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

it should be 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Okay!

 

-

 

**chris!** @isthtaweed

i don't know what's going on with loki but i love it

 

-

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

where is mjolnir 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I thought your sister destroyed it?

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

she did but i collected all the pieces and the strange man fixed it with the time stone

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Oh then I haven't seen it

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

it's in the kitchen

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

i didnt leave it in the kitchen. i put it in it's bed where it belongs.

 

**snake** @loki 

did someone move it?

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

none of the avengers are worthy! most tried!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

worthy????? i thought that was a myth

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

spider boy, did you see someone lift mjolnir?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

yeah it was super dirty so i brought it to the sink and cleaned it

 

**snake** @loki 

you… what? what? excuse me, WHAT?

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BOY IS WORTHY!!!!!!!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im so confused and sooo high

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Kid are you serious

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Oh, so that makes two of us.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

wait WHAT

 

**snake** @loki  

WHAT THE FUCKD WHAT RHE FUCK??????

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! WE MUST CELEBRATE!!!!!

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

NO DRINKING 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

if the boy can lift mjolnir he can drink!

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Nope.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

fine, what about natasha?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I'm down

 

**snake** @loki 

im ready to be put down

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

WE CELEBRATE AT DAWN!

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

how about like 10pm tomorrow 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

THAT WORKS TOO!!

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

what is happening 

 

-

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

list of people that can lift mjolnir:

□ thor

□ black widow

□ spidey

□ APPARENTLY HUMANS BRUH

 

-

 

**Todd** @MexicanFuneral

okay so not only is a 17 year old able to be a radioactive superhero, hes also worthy of lifting thors hammer, which we thought only he could do (but black widow can too.)

 

**amanda** @punkbaby 

i feel like im having a consistent lucid crack dream . nothing feels real anymore 

 

-

 

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews 

Spider-man and Black Widow are Worthy

 

**caleb** @galloh 

spiders are lighting culture 

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

wait what

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Okay, I'm losing my fuckign marbles at this point.

 

**delilah** @heythere 

the new jenna marbles video is gna be: Dressing Up My Dogs As The Avengers

 

**Jenna Marbles** @Jenna_Marbles

...That's actually a good idea

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

(laughing nervously) what the fuck?


	25. LETS GIVE IT UP FOR CAPTAIN AMERICA!

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

@STARKCEO today?

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

It's better sooner than later.

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

okay

 

**Steve Rogers** @CaptainAmerica 

i'll be making a speech in an hour. come if you can.

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

im scared but im going

 

-

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

im shaking so much i just recorded that whole thing holy fuck

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

WHAT HAPPENED MY ENTIRE TL IS FREAKING OUT BUT NOT SAYING ANY SPECIFICS

 

**dirk** @agentgently

HERES IT IS I LITERALLY CANT BREATHE

 

[ a video of steve, who is standing behind a podium with lined paper in front of him. hes not looking at it too much, hes mostly glancing over his shoulder where happy is whispering something in his ear. they laugh, and steve claps him on his shoulder before happy walks away. the chattering quiets as he stands up a little straighter and towards the crowd.

 

"alright," he says, catching the attention of anyone who was still talking "this is probably going to be one of the most important decisions of my life. and im, well, me."

 

steve smiles at the audience for a moment.

 

"ever since i was born, i've wondered who i was. whether that had to do with the amount of illnesses i had, my experience as being transgender and bisexual in the 40's, or maybe that's just a natural reaction to being human, i can't say. when i was given this gift to be who i am,  _ when i was given this shield _ , i had who i wanted to be all planned out, i knew how i wanted to change the world… then i went under the ice. and when i came back up, the world i had known was gone." he paused, looking off-stage for a second.

 

"to be seen as the figure of america and freedom, when i myself and so many others were not free… it was difficult. and when i came out of the ice, i thought for a moment that everything had been fixed. i was blind sighted by the amount of change that had happened since the 40s, just for a second. and in that moment i realized that ahead of my time did not mean forever. it's almost unbelievable how far this country has gone. but i don't believe it's been enough."

 

the crowd looked confused as to where this was going, a few small 'what's happening?' could be heard.

 

"change is inevitable, and it's been pretty good. i can be with my family. racism is…  _ a bad…  _ example. segregation is gone! mostly. which—okay, im not going to get into that— yup."  he huffed out a breath.

a small laugh breaks out across the crowd. steve's face is a little red. he looks to his pages for support.

 

"what im saying here is that steve rogers and captain america have become synonymous, and with the amount of progression that has happened in this country, i think it's about time for a change of pace for that too. captain america was never meant to be just a good soldier, but a good person. it took me years of searching and friendship to find someone that i know fits that title, and someone i trust and care about deeply."

 

the audience was dead-silent in a cocktail of anticipation and shock.

 

"people have relied and believed in my ability to make tough decisions for many years, and this is definitely up there. that's why i hope you can trust my judgement when i tell you im passing the shield and title to my good friend sam wilson. i cant imagine anyone else but him to pass this onto, and we've spent many months talking and i know for a fact he will do not just the right thing, but also the good thing." he finished, his face being lit up by flashing cameras. ]

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

WHAT THE FUCK AR EYOU FOR RREAALS

 

**dirk** @agentgently

I FUCKFIDN KNOW LIKE DUDEE!!!!!!!!!! THIS SJ SO WILDDDDD

 

-

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

uhh since we’re all passing things to another person,,,,,,,

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

you’re not getting ur greasy hands my wings 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

greasy???? screw you. redwing likes me more

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

you take that back

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes

why should i

 

**FCA** @samwilson

take that back right fucking now

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

whyd you save me that one time if this isnt what you were planning

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

you owed me $20. i WILL get that $20

 

-

 

**CNN** @CNN

Steve Rogers Gives Title of Captain America To Sam Wilson 

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

THIS IS SO CRAZYT..???

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

i leave twitter for one day and steve had an identity crisis 

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

he just changed his @ im crying this is so much change all at once

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

why is sams name FCA now??????

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

falcon captain america 

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

sam i love you so much but that's the stupidest thing ive ever read

 

-

 

**yeet** @shuri 

this is great! i cant wait to become the queen of wakanda 

 

**T'challa** @blackpanther

you cant wait for what now

 

-

 

**scott** @ant_man 

great now that steve isnt captain america i don't feel as bad anymore 

 

**scott** @ant_man 

i can tweet what i want

 

**scott** @ant_man 

no one: 

 

steve rogers: 

 

|　　　　　\

|　　　　　  \

|　　　　　　 \

|                ＼ ＼ 

|　　　　　　＼　　＼ 

|　　　　　　　\　　　\       

|　　　　　　　 |　　　 |

|　　　　　　　/　　　/

|　　　　　   ／　　／

|　　　　　  |　　　 |

 

**Hope** @HVD

you have a daughter

 

**scott** @ant_man 

and? shes not old enough to be on twitter 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Besides, he's right and he should say it

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

amen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to actually write for this one . gross


	26. pride!

**diego** @aquaknife 

do you think king tchallas mom was super snacky while giving birth so when they asked for the babys name she just said "tea and challah bread" n they were like "fuck okay write that down i guess"

 

**yeet** @shuri 

OH MY FUCKIFHG GOD????????????? IGISU GJAJYJSJDJSJGJSJDJ

 

**T'challa** @blackpanther 

Oh.

 

-

 

**carlson** @buckyscap

what fucking witch cursed new york bro holy shit ... that place always has some crazy supervillain 

 

**eleanor** @noice.smort

fr every time someone tells me they live in ny i always get so nervous

 

**h** @keener 

ive been here for a week and it's terrifying even without the chance of death

 

**carlson** @buckyscap 

if i was a criminal id stay as far away from ny as i can. imagine trying to get some weed and fucking spiderman sticks you to a wall

 

**h** @keener 

FSGISIFHS 

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers

happy pride month! we've come so far!!

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

it took long enough lmao

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

ok true

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Happy pride! Trans Women of color started the LGBT movement! Pride began as a protest! Know your history! Be proud!

 

-

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I don't do labels (Don't call me queer either, thanks) but happy pride to everyone who is out or in the closet. Be who you are. #LoveIsLove

 

-

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

asgard has always been flexible on sexuality and gender. i know midgard hasn't, and it has been difficult for you all.. i wish the best for all my human friends. it is time to celebrate your wins! go you! you're all so strong!

 

-

 

**h** @keener 

im from good ol' nowhere in tennessee. there weren't any pride celebrations. im really excited. ive never hid the fact im gay but nobody really knew either yknow???? im really pumped

 

-

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

sup it's me….. bider-man….. i swing both ways…… im so funny

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

As a trans woman I am so lucky to be in the position that I am in. I never thought something like this would be possible for me. Pride means not only acceptance, but love. The fight is nowhere near being over, but we're beginning to see a light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel. 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

youre trans?????????? how did i not know that wtf 

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Because I just came out right now.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

im in love with u miss potts 

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

;)

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

i kind of wish i could send all my struggling lgbt kids to a planet more accepting but then this would be a planet with only cishet people and that would just be bad for everyone 

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

im lesbian 

 

**yeet** @shuri 

i thought you were american?

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

i can be two things

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

if i don't get a bf at pride i will riot 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

mood

 

**ned** @gitc 

boy…. stfu

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

Dam ok

 

-

 

**Rhodey** @WarMachine 

Since I've never officially said it: I'm pan! :)

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Me too!

 

-

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

Honestly i don't know what i am im kind of just living yk? Yea.

 

-

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

holy shit i love this

 

-

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

im 3 things:

■ amazing and incredible 

■ has the best gf ever, and i mean ever

■ biggest bisexual in the galaxy 

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

That's 4 things 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

ur going to glaze over the second point huh?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Not in my heart.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

okay, cute.

 

-

 

**NF** @FURY 

The Avengers was started by a lesbian with a wife and a daughter.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

????????? Who is she?????????

 

**NF** @FURY

Hopefully you'll never meet.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

carol?

 

**NF** @FURY

How do you know that?

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

dude. me and her are best friends. shed come and watch the fights. shed talk about goose and you all the time.

 

**NF** @FURY 

And you never thought to tell me?

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

it's kinda awkward 

 

**NF** @FURY

How.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

lets just say after her wife told her to move on she did 

 

**NF** @FURY 

I did not need that information 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

you asked! besides it's over now im in a committed relationship 

 

**NF** @FURY 

Remind me to not ask again. Ever.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Who the fuck is Carol


	27. The Incident (+ladybird!)

[  **spidey → mj** , **ned** ]

 

**spidey** : guys

**spidey** : holy fuck GUYS

 

**mj** : dude what do you want

**mj** : i have an english exam on monday

 

**spidey** : im freaking out 

**spidey** : like major freaking out 

 

**mj** : are u ok??? don't die

 

**ned** : what's happening 

 

**spidey** : me and harley were wrestling over the tv remote because i wanted to watch queer eye and he wanted to watch my strange addictions and i grabbed it from him but i fell back, and to stop myself from falling, i grabbed onto his shoulder. but it didn't work. and he fell on top of me. and in that exact second mr. stark walked in. saw us. and immediately walked out with no words

**spidey** : i can never face him again

 

**ned** : what the fucj

 

**mj** : are you okay 

 

**spidey** : NO I AM NOT OKAY!!!! TONY STARK THINKS IM FUCKING HIS SON!!!!!!!!!

 

**mj** : i mean eventually it's going to happen,, so,,,

 

**spidey** : STOP 

 

**ned** : why the fuck did harley want strange addictions over queer eye

 

**mj** : oh wait neds making a good point 

 

**spidey** : THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS HERE .

 

**mj** : are there? what else?

 

**spidey** : i literally hate all of you

 

**ned** : aw shucks 

 

**spidey** : .

 

**mj** : so. Peter.

 

**spidey** : E

 

**mj** : how was it

 

**spidey** : how was what? being embarrassed to death?

 

**mj** : NO HTJDRY???? 

**mj** : i mean harley 

 

**ned** : OHHHHHH!!!!

 

[  **spidey** has left the chat ]

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

bitch don't leave the conversation at the best part @spiderman

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

i wanna die .

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

yeah how. death by dick?

 

**ned** @gitc

ok mood

 

**h** @keener 

spidey what did you tell them 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

.. everything 

 

**h** @keener 

shit ok

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

how can i ever look him in the eye again

 

**h** @keener 

he has security cameras. he knows we weren't actually

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

do u think he looked 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

No I did not look. Ew.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

mr.stark i promise that it wasnt what it looked like

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Uh huh.

 

**h** @keener 

dude check the security cams

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Nope!

 

**gallagher** @gallagalaxy 

k does anyone wanna explain what they're talking about 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK

Nope!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

im losing my fuckjfn mind i swear on my yeezus 

 

-

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

i don't know what's going on but i love it

 

-

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

*Dreams by Fleetwood Mac play in the background* … [selfie of bruce and thor, their cheeks pressed together. thor is smiling wide, eyes closed. bruce has a small smile, but hes looking at thor.]

 

**yeet** @shuri 

everybody wanted to know what i would do if i didn't win……. I guess we'll never know

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

OH MY GODDDDDDDD THEYRE SO FUCKIFB BABY 🥺🥺🥺

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

i hate the avengers with my whole being (except for a total of 4 people)

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

am i one of the four?

 

**snake** @loki 

you're different 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

who are the four?

 

**snake** @loki 

that will never be revealed 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

ur so transparent . i know who the 4 people are.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

why can scary girl know but i cant!!!!!

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

that is the biggest compliment ive ever gotten

 

**snake** @loki 

i didnt tell her who they are. im pretty sure shes a witch or something.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

i do like black cats

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

tell me who they are loki

 

**snake** @loki

no

 

**THOR** @THUNDER

mj tell me who they are please?

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

……. what will i get in return 

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

i will make sure you meet brunnhilde again

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

huh

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

oh im cool w that 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

i mean i DO want that to happen

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

alright that and you NEVER. EVER. pat my head again. EVER.

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

deal.

 

**snake** @loki 

no .

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

natasha, bruce, spiderman, bucky.

 

**snake** @loki 

how the fuck

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

you DO like bruce!!!!! i knew it!!!!!

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to be flattered.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

Ditto.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i- okay…… uh. ok!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

I KENEW YOU LIKED ME MR LOKI!!!!!! I SAW U SMILE AT ME IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE BUT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY 

 

**spidey** @spiderman

im so,,,, HAPPY

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers

hello!! give me some movies to watch! ive seen all the super popular ones!

 

**clarice** @helloclarice

watch lady bird or die

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

will do! 

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers

wow okay that was an experience. holy shit 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

LaNgUaGe

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

will you ever get over that

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Not until the day I die.

 

-

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I am so sick of Bucky.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

He's like a feral cat. I swear.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Me and Steve are trying to watch a movie and in the corner of my eye I see Bucky just standing watching the movie too. He could've been standing for hours. I don't know.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Steve turns around and just smiles like this is NORMAL and I go "you want to sit down?" like, you know, a sane person. He looks me dead in the eyes and says that he's just stopping by.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Stopping by?? Anyway. This was mid-movie. I turn around and think nothing of it. I assumed at some point he left.

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

I was wrong. He watched the whole movie standing. I ask him again if he wants to sit, but he says it's okay. I'm just like…. alright…

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

The movie is over. Steve gets up, and then Bucky says "Oh yeah I just wanted to ask you something and I got distracted" What. What?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

idk it's something about timothy chamalet 

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

That's not his name…

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Why didn't you sit down??

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i just didnt want to?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW

You didn't— I don't know— get tired?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

no?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Man you and Steve really are perfect for each other

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i don't disagree but why do you say that?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

You Can Do This All Day™

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

HA!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

pleshf 

 

-

 

**delilah** @heythere 

steve stops being cap for a few days and now all his friends are roasting him. i love it   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating 😔👊 school is kicking my ass


	28. and let's just say im winning

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

it's so crazy how ive been in love with the same person since i was 16

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

if i died right now, no matter how, id be dead a happy man because of who i got to spend my entire life with. i cant imagine a world where we aren't together. i don't want to imagine that world.

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

ill never forget the first time i saw him after coming out of the ice. in that moment nothing else mattered and i just fell in love with him all over again. i was 16 and small and he had his arm over my shoulder as we waited for the school bell to ring.

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

it's 4am i really should not be tweeting whatever i want rn..

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

he just told me to get off my phone gn

 

**stream local natives** @gnaloseu

that was SO soft…… dear lord

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

he said (still into you by paramore plays)

 

**trevor** @trevrun

the fact that hes like 100 years old and they've been in love since he was 16... that's fuckibf 84 years

 

**delilah** @heythere 

STIOP IM GOIGN TO CRY :(((

 

-

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

oh hes SAPPY sappy tn

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

im bout to be ever sappier.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

there is nobody in the universe that knows me like stevie does and nobody ever will. i don't believe in soulmates or any of that gushy stuff but if i did, it would be him. it would always be him.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

if i believed in soulmates, i would believe i was born with steve rogers carved into my heart as deep as it could go. id believe our names were written together in the stars. id believe in god himself.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

but when the light hits his face right, when he holds my hand, or when it's midnight and hes still sketching in his book, maybe, for a moment, i do believe in soulmates. i believe like i do gravity.

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

holy shit 

 

-

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

i go on twitter for 2 seconds and find love letters. clowns. actual clowns.

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

you have a point….

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

don't agree with me it makes me very uncomfortable 

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

literally what the fuck is going on w steve and bucky rn…. when am i going to get that kind of love… WHEN…

 

**selma** @ilyprincessshuri

i think that kind of love was made for steve and bucky only

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

god damn it!!! bitch!!! u gotta make me cry like that??????

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You're all so lucky I don't tweet everything...

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

example? example sir?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Just anything to do with the boys.

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

now, when u say "the boys",,,,,,,,

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You all know exactly who I'm talking about 

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Ugh, what did they do now?

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Domestic shit. Fighting about sleep schedules.

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Hm. Not surprised!

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

oh my godhjfjajrjfhe

 

**h** @keener 

tony i hate you 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You love me.

 

**h** @keener 

[and what about it.gif]

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

may i just remind yall that nowhere did tony say ur names yet here you are…..

 

**h** @keener 

[maybe so.gif]

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

hm…. im thinking of doing something a little reckless… a little… hm…

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

what are you thinking Loki

 

**snake** @loki 

well, danielle, i'm thinking of maybe adopting a fat black cat..

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

oh my god please do

 

-

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

who the fuck gave loki a cat

 

**danny** @ligmatowels

NO WAYYYYYYYY FJSJFJZJGJSJFJ

 

-

 

**snake** @loki 

i have adopted Him. [image of black cat]

 

**carson** @CallMe911

WHAT IS HIS NAME .

 

**snake** @loki 

Dick Wolf.

 

**carson** @CallMe911

you did not name ur cat….. dick wolf

 

**snake** @loki 

but i did. and i love him.

 

-

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

im wondering ab making a private spam twt account bc it gets tiring when i gotta watch what i say on my accs 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

acc*

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

you crave attention too much to have an account where you only have 3 followers 

 

**ned** @gitc 

HAHAHDSJ

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

you shouldn't say it out loud like that…

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

besides what can't you say on here that you cant say on a private account?

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

…....i know ur being sarcastic but mr stark once called me bc i tweeted that i hate myself

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

HA what did you say

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

i said it was a joke and he came for my fucking throat 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

what do you????mean ???

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

he goes: "you say that it's a joke but i know you internalize everything so spit it out."

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

HES RIGHT THOUGH 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

IK BUT STILL

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

SO WHAT IF I HATE MYSELF LIKE,, THAT'S MY BUSINESS 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

Peter………

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

Michelle.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

don't 'Michelle' me you little bitch

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

wow okay were going straight into name calling now?

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

you started it

 

**ned** @gitc 

UNTAG ME JESUS YOURE HAVING FULL BLOWN CONVERSATION OVER TWT MY MOMS SO MAD AT ME MY OHONES BEEN GOING CRAZY W THE NOTIFS

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

oop sorry ned

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

im not sorry. 

 

**ned** @gitc 

you think this is a game, mj? you think my mom being mad is a game?

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

your mom is the game and let's just say im winning 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

… did…. did mj really make a ur mom joke….

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

that i did.

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

i don't know if im scared, disappointed, or joyous..

 

**ned** @gitc 

mark me down for disappointed.

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

ned youre just mad because you know i slept with your mom

 

**ned** @gitc 

STOHPP ITHSHGH


	29. higher further faster

**sarah** @sos_sarah

i wonder if pepper potts ever reads comments about her fiance, tony stark, saying how slutty he looks and she just goes "yeah"

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Yeah

 

**sarah** @sos_sarah

i love you

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

it's movie night yet again! what should we watch?

[  **okja** | 12%  ]

[  **wallflower** | 33% ]

[  **florida project** | 5% ]

[  **john wick** |                   50% ]

_ 12,748 votes • final results _

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

john wick it is!

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

oh wow…. Oh Wow…. OH WOW…. OH MY GOD

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

this is infinitely funny, entertaining, and kind of cool

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

im just here for keanu 

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

is that john wick 

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Do not tell me you don't know who Keanu Reeves is, Steve. Don't tell me that.

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

im an old man!

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

bitch so am i, your point?

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Exactly 

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

well, i like this movie anyway…

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

im goin to wendys what should i get

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

get a snack wrap or die

 

**ned** @gitc 

d...do you want me to get you something peter

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

WAIT ACTUALLY WOULD U DO THAT

 

**ned** @gitc 

i mean yeah 

 

**ned** @gitc 

ill send u my location wayament 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

I LUH YOU

 

-

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

god i love friendship [photo of peter and ned, both holding snack wraps]

 

**best intern** @peterparker

i promise to pay u back once i get a job

 

**ned** @gitc 

i keep telling u to sell ur photography but whatever 

 

**natalie** @ddsassitant

YOU DO PHOTOGRAPHY???? SHOW!!!!

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

idk ive only shown ned and may and they'd be supportive even if it sucked

 

**ned** @gitc 

peter im serious you're actually really good

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

Show! Us!

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

mmmm……. okay…… 1 sec lemme get my favorites 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

[photoset of different places in New York, 2 being skylines and 2 portraits of strangers, one being an old woman sitting on a bench at night with a cigarette in hand looking at her phone, another is a man with dreads sitting on a building roof]

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

dude how did you get on the top of a building to get that second one

 

**best intern** @peterparker

i went up the stairs 

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

okay…

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians

did u ask permission to take their pictures??

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

of course?????????????? 

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians

ok just asking bc it looks really natural 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut

these are so good

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

see i still think ppl would like them anyway

 

**ned** @gitc 

oh my god just TAKE THE FREAKIN COMPLIMEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

IM SORRY

 

-

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

its the end of pride month and i miss my gf can i get an aw dang

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

black widow just dmed me saying aw dang. how did this become my life 

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

What????

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

dude why do you follow me 

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

Because you're 1) friends with Spider-Man for some reason and 2) you're dating a Princess

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

u make fun of one of my best friends???

 

**best intern** @peterparker

im one of your best friends? awww

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah

DUH.

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

I'm surprised he has any friends if I'm being honest 

 

**h** @keener 

the fuck 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

flash can u please shut up for 1 goddamn second

 

**h** @keener 

peter is the best fuck u eugene

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

Literally who are you

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

that's…. tony stark's kid….

 

**h** @keener 

mj you cant just-

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

Tony Stark doesn't have a kid

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I don't want this to be a big deal but stop talking.

 

**Flash** @lightningboltflash

TONY STARK?????????????

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

dear lord

 

-

 

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews 

Is Harley Keener Really Tony Stark's Son? [ _ here _ ]

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

this article is so fucking funny 

 

**riley** @rilezzzz

THEY SAID "WHO ELSE HAS THE STARK SASS?" ASDJJDSAGGDGSHJRTTT

 

**kay** @burnbabyburn 

I KNOW IT'S SO FUCKUVF FUNNY 

 

-

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

aHAAHAAAA!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!

 

-

 

**Stephen Strange** @DrStrange

This should be interesting.

 

-

 

**NF** @FURY 

Shit's going down.

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Wait is something happening?

 

-

 

**NF** @FURY 

Yes, this should be very interesting.

 

-

 

**carol** @danvers

hello.


	30. u on earth?

[  **spidey** →  **h** ]

 

**spidey** : ok so,,,,,,

**spidey** : ig this whole fake relationship thing is not all that …… fake anymore huh

 

**h** : i mean if im being honest? i kinda just said that so i could hold ur hand

 

**spidey** : why didnt u just ask me out??? i wouldve said yes

 

**h** : IDK i was nervous 

 

**spidey** : YOU WERE NERVOUS??? OF ME??

 

**h** : YEAH I MEAN UR SO SMART AND PRETTY AND JUST SO GOOD I

 

**spidey** : omg stop imma cry

 

**h** : i cant believe you made the first move eye,,, nobody is going to believe that 

 

**spidey** : STOGPPP I WAS SHAKING SO BAD

 

**h** : omg . peter omg

 

**spidey** : what 

 

**h** : im your boyfriend 

 

**spidey** : my whole stomach just swooped holy shit

**spidey** : you're my boyfriend. im your boyfriend.

 

**h** : im laughing so much im so happy

**h** : where are you 

 

**spidey** : mays 

 

**h** : can i come over

 

**spidey** : she said u could omg

**spidey** : i cant wait

 

**h** : my cheeks hurt from smiling this is so stupid

 

**spidey** : bf!!!

 

-

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Does anyone want to tell me what's happening?

 

**NF** @FURY 

Carol is here.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

See, the thing is, I don't know who that is.

 

**carol** @danvers

you didnt tell them about me, @FURY ?

 

**NF** @FURY 

A lot has been happening, okay?

 

**carol** @danvers

wheres goose

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Whomst

 

**carol** @danvers 

nick u better send me a goose pic right now

 

**NF** @FURY 

You're not the boss of me.

 

**carol** @danvers 

bitch???

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

did you just call Nick Fury…. a bitch?

 

**carol** @danvers 

what the fuck STEVE ROGERS? HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

 

**NF** @FURY 

Like I said, a lot has been happening.

 

**carol** @danvers 

if you told me zombies were happening i would've visited earlier

 

**NF** @FURY 

This is why Goose likes me more.

 

**carol** @danvers 

might i remind you what happened?

 

**NF** @FURY 

You know, I'm starting to remember how much I hated you.

 

**carol** @danvers 

HAHA!!!! you love me. don't even lie.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

CAROL

 

**carol** @danvers 

BRUNNHILDE!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU @ I MISSED U

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

I MISSED YOU TOO WHERE HAVE U BEEN

 

**carol** @danvers 

just in the galaxy u know u know 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i have a girlfriend now!!!!!!!!

 

**carol** @danvers 

REALLY I LOVE THAT FOR U

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

dude ur gonna lose ur mind shes so fucking cool

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

Aw 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

WHO IS CAROL 

 

**NF** @FURY 

She's the first. I named the Avengers after her.

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

H u h

 

**NF** @FURY 

Yeah.

 

-

 

**ophelia** @heavenly

wait so fury wasnt joking when he said the first avenger was a lesbian 

 

**delilah** @heythere 

i don't think fury knows how to joke

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

so is goose an actual goose or-

 

-

 

**carol** @danvers 

you guys would fucking love the guardians.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i like groot

 

**carol** @danvers 

he passed away sadly. he has a son and rocket takes care of him.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

groot died what the fuck?? and who let rocket take care of a child??? 

 

**carol** @danvers 

groot did

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i don't trust that rabbit with baby groot but ok.

 

**carol** @danvers 

you know how groot was around rocket though

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

:(( i do

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

does anyone wanna explain who the guardians are or am i just supposed to accept there's a dude named groot who has a son named baby groot with another dude named rocket who is a rabbit.

 

**carol** @danvers 

wow you have a lot of followers 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

thank you ms. danvers but im still confused 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

the guardians are a group of criminals that protect the galaxy

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

wow i love that

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

brunnhilde, you say that as if you're not a criminal too.

 

**snake** @loki

who isnt a criminal nowadays.

 

**carol** @danvers 

the grandmaster misses you loki

 

**snake** @loki 

really?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

okay it seems pretty unrealistic you all know each other and yet have never spoke about one another before

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

i don't know the guardians or carol but ive heard of them. im just confused as to how she has been to all of these places?

 

**carol** @danvers 

i had time and nothing better to do. the grandmaster throws great parties, and rocket comes over sometimes just to steal some shit since nobody cares on sakaar. that's how i met the guardians.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie

i tried to flirt with gamora but she is made of steel 

 

**carol** @danvers 

i think shes with quill now

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

seriously? i mean good for him, but seriously?

 

**carol** @danvers 

they're pretty happy together though. it's a… strange little group. i love all 7 of them.

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

dude have you met the avengers yet

 

**carol** @danvers 

not exactly 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

u on earth?

 

**carol** @danvers 

yea im omw

 

-

 

**riley** @punsolved

i cant believe we live in a world where one alien tweets to another "u on earth?" and the other responds with "yea im omw" genuinely what the fuck

 

-

 

**joanie** @roselands

very glad to know the galaxy is being protected by 7 people in total and they're all criminals

 

-

 

[  **spidey** →  **Tony Stark** ,  **h** ,  **Pepper Potts** ,  **Rhodey** ]

 

**spidey** changed the group name to  **iron fam**

 

**Tony Stark** : Fucfgk you

 

**spidey** : WHAT DID I DO

 

**Pepper Potts** : Don't mind him, he's being a sap. What's up?

 

**spidey** : uhhhhhh

**spidey** : harley i think u gotta be the one

 

**h** : really peter?

 

**Rhodey** : Let me guess: you're dating.

 

**Tony Stark** : RHODYE

 

**spidey** : hes right

 

**Tony Stark** : WEHR REALLY

 

**spidey** : yeah

 

**h** : GRHODEY I LOVE YOU

 

**Tony Stark** : !

 

**Pepper Potts** : Use your words Tony

 

**Tony Stark** : I mean I'm surprised but not really

 

**spidey** : op 

 

**h** : you'll be surprised to know peter made the first move.

 

**Tony Stark** : You're lying!

 

**h** : nope he straight up kissed me

 

**spidey** : oh my godh HARLYE

 

**Tony Stark** : Ew TMI. TMI.


	31. Goodmorning, thotties.

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Goodmorning, thotties.

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

did i read that right

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

yes. and?

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

delete this immediately or my lawyer will be in contact 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

let's do it baby i know the law

 

**h** @keener 

SHUT UPPP WHO TAUFHT U THAT

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

Believe it or not, I pick up on what you kids say.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

old man tingz 

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

You know what, Elaina? Your @ is starkslut. Who's the real loser here.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FHSJDJAJFSI

 

-

 

**ned** @gitc 

peter just got arrested 

 

**mj** @lesbianmessiah 

PETER JUST GOT WHAT NOW

 

**ned** @gitc 

arrested 

 

**h** @keener 

U WANNA TELL US HOWWW?????

 

**ned** @gitc 

being stupid

 

**yeet** @shuri 

ned are you joking bc this is so (not) funny

 

**ned** @gitc 

it's not a joke .

 

-

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

ok so when spider-whatever jumps roof to roof hes a "hero" and "brave" but when I do it im "trespassing on private property" and a "noise disturbance"

 

**Tony Stark** @STARK 

I hate you.

 

-

 

**spidey stan** @whtvr.a.spidey.stan

ONE OF STARKS SCIENCE KIDS GOT ARRESTED

 

**jake** @bibibi9 

HE SAID "I HATE YOU" BUT WE ALL KNOW TONY IS PROUD 

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

im disappointed in you peter 

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

what the fuck is "im disappointed in you peter" bitch ill kill you

 

**ned** @gitc 

how did you defeat captain america

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

we shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

>:O

 

-

 

**dp** @deadpool 

i don't know how this is my fault but this is my fault.

 

-

 

**carol** @danvers 

me w the fam :) [picture of carol, maria and monica]

 

**monica** @jacketstyle 

we cute or whatever,,,

 

**NF** @FURY 

Where's my invitation? Am I not family?

 

**carol** @danvers 

of course you're family. i love u stinky old man.

 

**NF** @FURY 

Your hair looks like spaghetti 

 

**carol** @danvers 

at least i have hair

 

**NF** @FURY 

aT lEaSt i HaVe hAiR. Come up with something better.

 

**carol** @danvers

you suck and you're my best friend 

 

**NF** @FURY 

I'm indifferent.

 

**carol** @danvers 

aw 

 

-

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

i was sitting here for a couple hours and now that im thinking about it maybe i should try to be sober?

 

**THOR** @THUNDER 

yes!!!!!!!

 

**snake** @loki 

i could help 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

how?

 

**snake** @loki

removing every alcohol substance away about…

 let's say 3500 ft?

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

can you also just knock me out for a couple hours 

 

**snake** @loki 

Yea

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

okay thanks loki 

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I could also help for whatever you need.

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

I've been told I'm "not the type of guy you'd want to go out to a bar with" for various reasons 

 

**brunnhilde** @valkyrie 

a…. i don't think that's a …… compliment

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

Me? Calling out transphobic businessmen to their faces and getting them fired? More likely than you think.

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians

we had to stan

 

-

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

barnes looks like some rye bread that some aluminum foil and a possum got on 

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

was there??? a prompt.?? to this???

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

no

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

you look like if hepatitis was a person

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

when i first met you i thought your hair was wet but it was just the grease because you never washed your hair greasy ass

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

bitch when you first met me i was being held captive 

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

could have still washed ur hair though 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i literaly couldn't but ok. you look like an aardvark 

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

fuck you 


	32. keener-stark

**FCA** @samwilson 

just called bucky stupid♡

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i hate you so much it's unreal♡

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

so the feelings mutual♡

 

**delilah** @heythere 

i cant tell if you're joking or if y'all rlly mad at each other 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

i hope sam chokes on his protien shake♡

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

oh sorry you were injected with dumb bitch juice and became weirdly muscular and disproportionate with a fat head♡

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

if you think im reading that tweet you're delusional

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

oh right i forgot you don't know how to read

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

bird brain 

 

**FCA** @samwilson 

can you come up with something else?

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

you just called me stupid like 4 times dumbass 

 

**FCA** @samwilson

you're dumbass

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes 

why you mad? cuz my pussy pops severely and yours don't? 

 

**dirk** @agentgently

OH MY GOD 

 

**FCA** @samwilson

this is ur fault @shuri 

 

**yeet** @shuri

bucky im so proud of you 

 

**Bucky** @jbbarnes

thanks kid :)

 

-

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

DID ANYONE SEE PETER PARKERS LIVESTREAM ON INSTA IM GENUINELY PISSIJG MY FIGKUBG PANTS

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine 

WHAYS NO??? I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE HAD AN INSTA 

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

YEA IT'S THE SAME @ ON TWT BUT OHH MY GOF

 

**tae** @blkpnk

WHAT HAPPENED ON IT

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

wait i took a screen recording but basically its sam wilson and bucky barnes calling each other stupid but they're sitting on opposite sides of the room and peters laughing his ass off in the background and then it escalates to "THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST BRO" levels 

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

HERES RHE VIDEO IT'S SO FUNNY [vid]

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

yknow when u said 'calling each other stupid' i didn't think u meant literally just yelling "YOU'RE STUPID" "NO YOU'RE STUPID" 

 

**tae** @blkpnk 

THAT VIDEO IS SO FUCKING CHAOTIC OH MY FGOD

 

**riley** @webheadd5

WHEN BUCKY STOOD UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND IT SQUEAKED SO LOUD AND SAM GOES "LOOK, NOW YOURE MAKING A MESS" 

 

**tae** @blkpnk

"MESS!? I JUST MOVED MY GODDAMN CHAIR SAM" 

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

AND THEN PETERS LITTLE "oh he on blasphemy mode now we in for it fellas" I CANT BREATGRE

 

**riley** @webheadd5

"MOVE YOUR CHAIR AGAIN. I DARE YOU! YOU WONT DO IT. BET." [bucky then tips his chair over] "I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCK, BUCK."

 

**tae** @blkpnk 

IM SCREAMING OVER I WILL BEAY YOUR FUCK

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

OMG IF YOU LOOK AND LISTEN CLOSELY YOU CAN SEE TONY IN THE VERY FAR BACK SND AFTER SAM SAYS I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCK YOU CAN HEAR TONY SAY "not in front of the kid!" THERE ARE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE RN

 

-

 

**Steve Rogers** @steverogers 

😐

 

-

  
  


**h** @keener 

hello. so imma about to make a tweet in a couple mins and yall aren't prepared for it

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

this could be so many things stop ur stressing me out,,,,,,

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

im trying to prepare bc i feel like im going to get emotional 

 

-

 

**h** @keener

tony stark and pepper potts are now my legal guardians! i called my mom & sister and they said i could tweet about it so yea! 

 

**diego** @aquaknife 

I DON'T ONOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING BUT IT WASNT THIS IT REALLY WASNT OH GOD

 

**delilah** @heythere 

WHY AM I CRYING IN THE CLUB RN

 

-

 

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews 

Tony Stark has a son, and his name is Harley Keener(‐Stark) [link]

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

 

**Amanda** @punkbaby 

I SECOND THAT SO HARD

 

-

 

**Pepper Potts** @STARKCEO 

IronFam [photo of tony, pepper, rhodey, harley, peter, bruce, and natasha]

 

**Natasha** @BLACKWIDOW 

*WidowFam

 

**Bruce Banner** @BruceBanner 

*BannerFam

 

**h** @keener 

i love yall i really do but Stop It .

 

-

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

THE FACT THAT PETER WAS IN THE IRONFAM PIC IS HITTING DIFFERENT RN

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians 

does anyone actually know why peter was there? like i get that hes one of tonys science kids but what makes him different than, like, shuri or spidey

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

i think that him and tony are super close peter barely tweets and every other tweet is about tony so idk they might be huge parts of each others lives and we just don't know it

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

there is all those loose paparazzi pics of them together just hanging out

 

**jane h** @letsgolesbians 

spare pics ma'am?

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

the only ones i got on my phone rn are the ones from a while ago when they got icecream [pic of tony and peter eating icecream together, just sitting and chilling]

 

**best intern** @peterparker

where did you get that ?? why do u just have it on ur phone ??

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

OH YM GOD HI PETER ……

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

i got it from my twt tl and i have it because it's a cute pic of tony ok

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

well thank u if bc it's now my phone wallpaper

 

-

 

**joanie** @roseland 

does peter just word search tony stark into twitter how does he find all these tweets

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

i have a fake fan acc and send them to this acc where i reply to them 

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

WHGAT IF PETER FUCKIGN PARKER FOLLOWS ME WHAY IF HE THOUGHT ONE OF MY TWEETS WERE FUNNY AND SHOWED TONY 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

OK THAT'S A LITTLE UNREALISTIC BUT IM GOING THROUGH A LOT RN THINGJING AB SOMEONE IN THE IRONFAM FOLLOWING MY DUMB ASS ACCOUNT 

 

-

 

**h** @keener

@LilNasX um im officially famous now and im actually from tennessee so,,,,, lemme on ur track

 

**Todd** @MexicanFuneral 

can u even sing???

 

**h** @keener

since when did that stop anyone from pursuing a music career come ON todd.

 

-

 

**zeena** @bowlsofwaaaa

nobody:

 

nobody at all:

 

not a single soul:

 

harley keener-stark: im from Tennessee 

 

-

 

**Trending** • 

 

_ Tony Stark _

_ #KeenerStark _

_ IronFam _


	33. eddie says pan rights!

**best intern** @peterparker 

luke skywalker was raised on a farm and you're telling me he DOESNT say yall?

 

**ned** @gitc 

peter please

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

"pEtEr pLeAsE" shut up

 

-

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog

peter parker is tony stark's biological son [a thread]

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

as we know, tony is known to have "science kids" that include princess shuri, harley, ned, mj, and peter. you're probably wondering why im choosing peter out of this list, and ill tell you why.

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

first reason: peter never once refers to his parents unless it comes to tony. there has been a mentioned 'may' before, but he never calls her anything but the name may so iit's not his mom. but when it comes to tony, peter has tweeted before about how much of a father figure tony is. maybe more than a figure.

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

this goes onto my second reason. tony used to be a playboy. the man used to sleep with every second pretty woman. when was he hitting his peak playboy era? 17-16 years ago. it seems suspicious at LEAST.

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

my theory is that the mother was pregnant and didnt tell tony up until peter was around 15 since he became a hero and not a playboy anymore, but there isnt much proof behind that besides the fact that tony wasnt seen w peter before he was 15 and tony doesn't ever seem like hed be a deadbeat even when he used to be a playboy

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

my third reason is the resemblance. their noses, hair color/texture, and posture is very similar as well as smarts!!! obviously personality wise they're very different though but if my theory is true then he wouldn't have been raised by tony.

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

it's also been reported that tony showed up at peter's school multiple times to get him out of classes and SHOWED UP FOR FATHERS DAY. AS PETERS FATHER.

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

peter parker IS tony starks bio kid. prove me wrong.

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

OMGFGGGEHUDDUF

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

this is so embarrassing but i promise that tony isn't anywhere near my bio dad lmaooghsjf

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

both of my bio parents died when i was 4 in a plane crashed and i went to my uncle ben and aunt may!! uncle ben died a little over 3 years ago.. i asked tony to come w me to fathers day bc hes that sort of figure for me but yea he,, isnt my dad 

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

IM SO SORRY AA

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

i wasnt expecting u to see this at all 

 

**arther** @spotlessfrog 

i feel so bad now

 

**best intern** @peterparker 

haha it's fine!!! i found it super funny btw

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

WHY DIDNT ANYOEN TELL ME THAT TONY SHOWED UP FOR FATHERS DAY W PETER WHY DIDNT I KNOW THAT IM GENUINELY CRYING

 

-

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

so are we not going to talk about how fucking sad it is that peter lost his family at 4 and then his uncle at 15?? like that's so much loss?? in a childhood?? im sobbing????

 

**jake** @bibibi9

I KNOW DUDE I FEEL SO BAD BC HE SEEMS LIKE SUCH A GENUINE AND KIND KID HE DIDNT DESERVE THIS AT ALL

 

-

 

**evelyn** @tonyscleric

no fucking wonder tony loves peter so much holy moly the poor kid i feel so bad,,

 

-

 

**Avengers News** @AvengersNews 

Tony Stark's Favorite Intern's Tragic Childhood [ _ here _ ]

 

**danielle** @pocket_sunshine

if reporters start harassing this 17 year old kid asking about his dead parents and uncle i will throw hands… i will literally throw so many hands….

 

-

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

yo does anyone remember eddie brock? where the fuck did that guy go????

 

**ella** @twilightdawns

i remember watching his stuff all the time i miss him :((

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

he still has a twitter but all he does is post cryptic shit ab eating head  and stuff

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

wait is he gay????

 

**ella** @twilightdawns

i always got that kinda vibe from him tbh but he was engaged to a woman so,,

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

eddie brock said bi rights

 

**eddie** @venombrocks

i said pan rights! and idk a lot has changed since i got fired uh

 

**riley** @webheadd5 

are you still interested in doing reportive stuff or what? you did so much important work i miss seeing u everywhere 

 

**eddie** @venombrocks

i do still post stuff around but as of like video wise i don't know if that's really for me

 

**ella** @twilightdawns

its crazy bc at the beginning i only watched bc i thought u were pretty but then i actually started to get interested in the stories n stuff

 

**eddie** @venombrocks

thanks!! yeah ive just been super busy w my… i guess u could say inner self?? and the relationships w people

 

**eddie** @venombrocks

idk if people is really the right word but yeah!

 

**dirk** @agentgently 

pls tweet more weird shit like this though i LOVE IT

 

-

 

**carol** @danvers 

new haircut. thank you @spiderman 

 

**spidey** @spiderman 

:D

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut

can we,,, can we see the haircut ma'am??

 

**carol** @danvers 

[selfie w endgame haircut]

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

I WASNT EXPECTING UYO TO BE SO GORGEOUS 

 

-

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

WHO GAVE SUOERHEROS THE RIGHT TO BE SO PRETTY. NAME ONE UGLY HERO RN OH YEAH YOU CANT BC THEYRE ALL GORGEOUS 

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

this tweet is super relatable but dr strange looks more like an alien then actual aliens do

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

STOP I THINK HES SO HOT,,,

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

where did i say he wasnt hot

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

eye-

 

**dave** @mmedicc 

who knows maybe spider man is ass ugly since we don't know what his face looks like

 

**ophelia** @heavenly 

no bc harley talked ab how hot he is

 

**dave** @mmedicc 

what ab deadpool then??

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

say what you want i would let deadpool split me in half w his katanas and id suck his dick after

 

**klaus** @theseance 

jesus christ elaina 

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

what

 

**dp** @deadpool 

if i wasnt legitimately pining over colossus right now id take you up on that offer. you know what? i still might take you up on that offer. besides the splitting in half part. been there, done that. it sucks. believe me.

 

**ELAINA** @starkslut 

im going to shit myself

 

-

 

**carol** @danvers 

earth is super different now huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating!! ive been rlly busy w friends this summer oop


End file.
